Flip Flop

My stomach feels tight today, tied in knots brought about by the knowledge of the reaction I am certain to receive for what I am about to accomplish. I am going to inform my mother of my plan to remove myself from the family home, and I am going to do this tonight after work. I am almost certain it is going to be a painful battle for both of us, and fear of this outcome is keeping me unsteady today. Work will be terrible, I know; watching the clock and understanding what each minute means. Each minute brings me closer to the battle. Each minute brings me closer to home. It is almost stage fright, what grips me. As if I know I have not rehearsed enough and my performance will be met with anger and flying fruit. More likely, other things will be flying through the air. None of them, however will be anywhere near the figurative rotten tomato. Instead, I will come out bruised and broken.

I don't want to hurt her, or damage our relationship. Nor do I want to hurt my brothers, nor my father. However, it has to happen some time, doesn't it? I can't stay here for the rest of my life. I can afford this now, and there is no reason for me to be a financial burden on them. I am certain that the thing that will throw a wrench in the workings will be the fact that I am still taking my vacation. It will seem as though this is the only reason for leaving. It will seem as though I do not like them. No matter how I try to explain that this is not the case, my mother will latch on to this.

I just hope it goes well.

Plans? What Plans?

I feel as if I'm in a funk. Not quite depressed. Just not all there. I have a tightness in my chest and a nearly permanent scowl that I just can't shake without effort. I find myself lost in thought nearly all the time, and most of the time I can't recall quite what I was thinking about when I'm startled from my reverie. I can't quite put my finger on the source of the issue, though.

I did not end up going hiking with the boyfriend, nor did I spend the weekend with him as I planned. I was in trouble, as seems to be the natural state of things anymore. I don't quite remember what I did, so apparently it wasn't all that important. It was probably about spending my free time with him. It usually is.

Friday night was spent with him, as it usually is, performing some dork-ish rite with him and the majority of his friends, or at least the regular ones. Saturday morning I came home and relaxed, excited at the prospect of the evening my parents had planned. All week my mother had been talking about having a "family night," but inviting my boyfriend and my brother's girlfriend to join us. She said that it was about time that we started including other people. I was thrilled; the plans were made. The time I spent at work dragged on, and I seemed to move at super-speed as I tried to rush the day along. This, I thought, was going to be a blast! As soon as work was over, however, I flipped my phone on and rushed to the car, only to find a text message from my mother. It said that what he said yesterday on our hike with the boys really hurt them, and that he was no longer welcome in her home. It told me, again, that I had to make a choice.

It turns out that he made a comment about feces on his shoe, something snarky about "I wonder where this came from," which we both giggled about. I made a joke to the effect of "so that's why you don't like coming over." The boys heard this joke, and brought it to my mother's attention over dinner. So, of course, her first response is "you must choose." I don't quite understand why she has to demand a choice every time she gets miffed at him. He was uninvited, and "family time" ended up " Mom, Dad, and Liv" time. The boys and the girlfriend disappeared.

I did talk to Mom about the situation, however. I kept my cool and tried to explain that I didn't think the boyfriend meant anything by the comment, that the issues were solely his sense of humor and nothing more. She seemed to take this to heart, and it looks like the crisis was averted. Though I'm not sure about whether or not he's invited to the house ever again, at least there wasn't yelling and that sort of thing.

When I told the boyfriend about what happened today, though, as we laid on the couch, he made no comment at first. Instead, he frowned and tried to pretend he wasn't. I have a feeling that he was upset by this, if only slightly, that his feelings were hurt. I moved on with the story, making him crack a smile and laugh a little as I continued, and then I changed the subject. However, he changed it back abruptly, and the first thing that came out of his mouth about the issue was "I think it's because of your 'that's why you don't come over' comment." This bothered me, quite frankly. I was hurt that the first thing he said about the subject promptly pointed the finger cleanly at me, without taking any responsibility about the situation for himself. I'm well aware that everything is my fault, I do not need his help accepting this. I would have appreciated it if he hadn't made the comment. I want his honesty, yes, but I don't think that was necessary. Even so, it was said. I responded with "Yes, I know it's all my fault. But thanks for pointing that out, hun." There was no argument, just a nod, and he moved on with the conversation. I excused myself, citing that I needed to go home.

I'm frustrated.

Update

I talk and talk about moving out now, threatening anyone who'll listen. Of course, with the exception of my parents. Yet, for all of my threats, I am still staying at home here. Just the idea of calling a place that doesn't house the rest of my family my home is unsettling. It's scary, as I've said time and time again, and I can't quite get over that hump. I'm afraid that I will make a mistake. I am afraid that I won't be able to survive on my own, and I don't want to lean on anyone else. I want to be independent. I just don't know what to do; I keep going back and forth. In all reality, I am not sure why I can't just make a decision. Why can I not get over my fear in this instance?

In spite of my confusion, I received some wonderful news yesterday. I've been accepted at college! I am going to start my vet tech program in the fall. I can hardly wait. I want to get everything all set up and done. I am so thrilled I can hardly see straight. On top of that, there are work-study programs that the school of my choice offers. These programs have salaries starting at a $0.50 raise from my current salary, and 10-20 hours a week guaranteed, in fact required. That is just about exactly what I was looking for. It would be ideal to get a job that will be flexible with my school schedule, and also pay gobs more than I already make. Of course, I doubt that I'll actually qualify. However, it is worth a shot.

I'm going hiking tomorrow with the boyfriend. At least I hope so. Every time we've planned a trip like this, something has gone wrong. The last time it happened, my car got broken in to. So we shall see. Other than that, though, I'm planning on staying the entire weekend with him for the first time. Kind of a test run for moving in, perhaps? I can hardly base the entire idea on a single weekend, of course, and especially one with a week like we've had. We have hardly seen each other, it seems. At least, though, I'll know for sure how well I can use the restroom for more pressing issues. I am sure that makes no sense to you, but I know what I mean, and it is a big obstacle for moving anywhere with someone else.

Cross your fingers for me!

A Short Post?!

My mother and I sat down and talked about Brian and the pow-wow more in depth the other day. She shocked me even more than before. He is, she says, a very nice man. She can tell that he really cares about me just by the way he talks about me. One of her biggest points against him was his claim to be a virgin when he met me. She now says that, though she still doesn't believe in his virginity, she things that he at least wishes he was. We were talking about something, I can't remember what it was, and I was busy trying to be smart about the situation, degrading it and spouting disbelief. "I try so hard to be cynical." I chuckled. Mom turned to me then with a strange look in her eyes, "I know you do. You're going to be. But he'll be around for a while, and you'll start to learn not to. You'll be cynical less and less until, eventually, you'll forget why you were even cynical in the first place." I felt all teary-eyed at that statement. I'm not sure exactly what he said that changed her mind so thoroughly, but whatever it was, it worked.

He came to our Independence Day "party." It was interesting; relaxed, even slightly awkward, but interesting. It went well. I was thrilled to have my family together, and to have Brian there with me. Mom took a few pictures, one of which is my new display picture. He's been invited to cake and ice cream on my birthday, too. Yay! We'll see how that goes.

Pow-Wow

The meeting went well according to all parties involved. Or, three out of four. Brian came to see my parents, and my brother Scott was present for the conversation. Though I haven't spoken to my brother, both of my parents said that the conversation went well. Neither seemed too terribly thrilled at this; both begrudgingly admitted that it went "just fine," my mother topping off the awkwardness as she intoned, refusing to glance at me, that "he really loves [me]."

My mother has said that I may stay out until 1am if I'm coming home. Fridays and Saturdays, though, I'm allowed to disappear all night long. My parents seem happier with the situation now that they've talked to him, at least. My mother even invited Brian to the 4th of July "celebration," in spite of the fact that it may not even occur on the 4th. We'll see how all of that works out, I suppose.

I'm still not sure about moving out at this point. Yes, I would like to be free. I wonder, though; can I? Not only because I'm worried about my ability to live, but because I'm worried about my family. Can I hurt them that way? They would all be hurt, especially if it's my choice. Even so, I'm meeting with Marc on Thursday evening.

I was worried that, given with my parents have said, things would be awkward with Brian. I worried that they just wouldn't feel right like they used to. This is both because what my parents said is deeply disturbing to me and my morals, and because they pointed out things that I can neither prove nor disprove. Brian is not about to admit to lying, whether he is or not. However, as soon as I got there, things were fine. We just fit together. It's awesome! Yet again, I didn't realize just how much I missed him until I had him again. Not that it wasn't difficult, don't misunderstand. However, I didn't realize just how much until I was snuggled up next to him again.

Ain't No Party Like My Nana's Tea Party

Well, technically speaking I am allowed to see Brian again. My parents have said that nothing's going to change in just two days, and that it was never a requirement but a request on their part. Funny, it really seemed like a requirement. But, that is a moot point.

Brian is going to sit down with my parents tomorrow to "air it all out" with them. This will happen with him alone while I am at work. My father wants me to be present so that I can see what kind of man Brian is. My mother says she doesn't want me there, she's going to record the situation so that I can hear what he's like when I'm not around. I'm worried about the entire situation. It seems like they're setting this up for failure. I'm worried that they're going to attack Brian, or that Brian will attack them. Either way, the situation will not end well. I'm worried I won't have a relationship with Brian when it's all over, or that my relationship with my parents will be severely damaged enough that they're not going to want to talk to me anymore. I'm afraid of losing.

I feel selfish for wanting both. I feel selfish for being angry that I seem to be made to choose. I understand what my parents are saying to an extent, and I can easily see how the situation scares them. It has been nearly a complete 180 since I met Brian; from being around all the time no matter what to never being home. When I am home, I don't talk to them about what happened at Brian's. They blame him. They say he is taking me away from them. I honestly feel like they're just afraid of losing me. They're afraid of me growing up. Brian only enters in to this in that he is the reason I'm never home. Therefore, he is the enemy. However, that does not make me feel any better about the situation.

Their attacks on him do scare me more than I was. Especially when I am trying so hard to act in spite of my fear of the situation, to put myself out there and hope I don't get completely trampled. In all honesty, though, mostly it is just driving me to want to spend more time with him. Whether it's a lie or not, it's far simpler than home life at this point to spend all my time running around with him. He compliments me, takes care of me, and we both enjoy doing and talking about the same things. We can be complete silly dorks together, and it is infectious; made even moreso with the overwhelming seriousness and depression that pervades my family. Someone is always sick or dying, someone is always depressed or having a hard time, and it is enjoyable to not have to think about that. When I'm with him, I don't think about any of it.

Granted, the situation is probably unhealthy. What relationship isn't? I certainly have never had one. As I told my parents; even if he is lying to me, even if this is a horrendously unhealthy situation, it makes me happy now. He's not hitting me, he's not raping me, he's not yelling at me or calling me names. I enjoy the time I choose to spend with him immensely. The situation, even if it is all falsities, even if he's simply using me and making fun of me behind my back (which, though I didn't tell them this, I don't believe), it is worth it to me right now. My mom claims that this situation is so much worse than anything I've faced ever before. Those words cut me to the core. I worry that she's right. At the same time, though, I have to take it with a grain of salt; she's scared she's going to lose me to him, and she's going to do everything in her power to keep me here, I think.

At this point, however, I worry that my parents will use things I said (and things I didn't) against me when they talk to Brian tomorrow. Will they lie to throw him off? Will they bait him? Or will they give him a fair chance? What if he doesn't give them a chance? What if he is as bad as they say, or he hauls off and has a conniption fit? What if he throws things in their faces that I've told him in confidence? What if, by the end of the day, I've lost everything? I'm so nervous I could vomit.

I'll be working. It is going to be the longest day! There will be nothing to do but spin my wheels about the meeting my parents and my boyfriend are going to stage. I'll worry about the stories I'm going to get when I get home from both sides. I worry about the "recording." I worry that my parents will prove themselves completely right, that they'll prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that Brian is everything they've said he was, and that there will be no way for me to refute that he is, in fact, a liar. That I've placed my trust, yet again, in someone who doesn't deserve it. I've asked both to call the store afterward to tell me how it goes. Both will, hopefully not at the same time. Unless something goes seriously wrong, of course, at which point I will promptly freak right the hell out. I want so badly for them to get along; I want my parents to like Brian, and I want Brian to like them. However, I don't see it happening.

This is going to be bad.

Ping Pong

If you told me six months ago that I'd be moving out, I would have told you that you are a liar. If you would have told me that my parents would hate my boyfriend and force me to choose, I would have told you that you didn't understand the kind of connection my family has. It's a good thing no one warned me; this would have been even more frustrating than it already is.

I don't know where I am, right now. All of this feels alien to me, a new world. Parental distrust and disagreement is not something I ever dealt with growing up. If they had an issue, I would bend over backward to make it better and redeem myself in their eyes. This is the first situation, I do believe, in which I have not given up everything at the drop of a hat for them. They told me that they didn't approve of my relationship, I basically told them "Tough cookies." In a much kinder more eloquent way, I assure you, but tough cookies nonetheless. The more I think about the situation, the more I can see how they say I've changed.

I'm a stronger person, much to their befuddlement. I am not afraid to tell them that I'm making my own choices. "I understand how you feel, but..." type of a thing. Yes, I do suppose I've made some bad ones (read: making myself sick at the hospital). However, I also feel I've learned from them. I know better now how to handle myself without guidance from my parents. I also can disagree with them without even the slightest blush on my face. I'm unashamed that my opinions differ, where before I would spout my opinion as the same whether they approved or not. I am certain that, between me not being at home and being more secure in my own opinions, beliefs, and feelings while I am home, they do see a change in me. Perhaps it is a change they don't like. I feel better as a person for it, though. I feel happier in general.

This is not to say that I don't need my parents, or my family. I love them, and I can't imagine living without them, if only because I never have. I want them to be a part of the new chapter of my life. I want to be able to talk to them. But, at the same time, I can't stay here. I can't be told how to live my life.

Is it wrong of me to feel like a spoiled child for all of this? I'm so confused, I keep going back and forth. I think the biggest thing is that I'm terrified of failure. I'm terrified that I'll have to move back home. I'm scared that, when he dumps me, I won't be able to handle it and I'll have to admit that I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. I feel prepared for it, but what if?

I'm just so confused.