Shoes

So my sweet-ass kangaroo and I are having a bit of an issue. I'm honestly not sure that he's still mine...and that scares me. Craparoni. Wanna know what the worst part is? It's my own damn fault! Again! Hmph to me and my God-be-damned girliness. I try to resist...honest I do! But it's like a high powered uber magnet held in the hand of a two year old, and I am but a paper clip, being slammed repeatedly until I stick.

Didja like that? I did.

Seriously, though...yesterday morning I was having a delightful conversation with the 'roo, and it eventually gets around to something about the suckage of a long distance relationship and not believing that I love him. I rolled my eyes and tried to reassure him...but I honestly wasn't trying very hard. I was frustrated, and I was tired, and I was menstrual, and really didn't want to reassure him. Regardless of the fact that he's always there to reassure me when I really need it.

We got into a conversation about self esteem. He pointed out that his self esteem was so low that he couldn't believe someone would care as much about him. This statement was closely followed by a short description of my issue; I had misplaced what I felt as love. I did care, he believed that, but it's not the same thing as love, and I just didn't see that. Ow? Yeah, uber ow. Not only are my feelings not real, but I'm just too stupid to even realize it!

However, rather than seeing this as him just being emo, for lack of a better term, and understanding that...hell, rather than just saying that it hurt and moving on...I got all hurt, and offended, and basically ended up dumping him. I told him that I did love him, but that if he couldn't believe me we needed to just be friends until he could.

I want him to be honest with me...but man was that a blow...ooooh, it still smarts!

Suddenly, of course, he has an epiphany. Without being able to explain it, he suddenly believes that I love him. Wait, what? This doesn't solve the problem. Not only is he lying...but now he's going to continue to lie to me. Fantastic. Pat on the back, Liv, you're just amazing. Good show.

So, I say g'night, and take off for the day. I go to bed feeling guilty, and wanting nothing but to tackle him with hugs and kisses and apologize. I resolve to apologize tomorrow. My pride is shot, what is there to get in the way?

Hah...hahahaha....hahahahahaha!

Fast forward to the next morning...I get up, and suddenly I don't want to talk to him. I'm tired, I just want to go back to bed. But I get online anyway. I've got to apologize, right? On top of that, I'm going to regret not getting online later.

I'm greeted with apologies from him...he's sorry he was so emo, and he loves me, and he's so very sorry, and he loves me. He doesn't understand why he acts the way he did last night, it only frustrates me and then I get upset and leave. Great. So now I feel even more terrible for my behavior. What to do? Apologize, right?

Hah, wrong again! Noooo! I go all cold and "I don't know what to tell you" and shit. There's no acceptance of apologies, not even an "It's good to see you, baby, I love you!" No. It's silence, and words full of ice and venom. What the HELL is my MALFUNCTION?! What did I want him to say? What did I want him to do? He was apologizing for nothing. I couldn't even squeeze out a measly "Sorry..." or "Whoops, my bad..." or even "G'morning." All he got was "I don't know what to tell you." What would you do?

I talked to him a little bit just a couple hours ago. He was kind of on his way out the door to get a computer, so that could be the reason for this...but I doubt it. I couldn't bring myself to ask if everything was okay, or if he was mad, or say I'm sorry. All I could do was joke and giggle about the computer he was getting. I did manage to say "I love you" a couple times...but there was nothing in response. Have I totally fucked up now? I'm honestly confused as to what we are. I'm hoping he gets online after he sets his new shiny up...but I'm not sure he will. I'm not exactly sure that he really wants to talk to me.

I don't know that I blame, him, either. I mean, c'mon, with the way I've behaved...what would YOU do? I wouldn't blame him if he decided that I most certainly am not worth any moment of his time. He'll take his soul back...and then where will I be? I've not felt this way about anyway...and I've never wanted anything this much in my entire life. I've never even considered leaving central Ohio...and yet, if he asked, and I was able, I'd leave tomorrow. Not without regrets, of course...I love my family. But I would do it. Because I love him.

So why do I insist on acting like such a bitch? I try to hard to be indifferent. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. I'm afraid he's going to decide he doesn't like me anymore...I'm afraid that if I'm too overbearing he won't want to be with me. If I'm too clingy. Augh...I hate myself so much! Why can't I just chill out?

*sigh* I'm afraid I've yanked the other shoe down.