Guilt and Beginnings

It started days ago. It started this morning. It started one year, many years ago. The point is, it started.

Today I awoke bright and early at the strike of nine, staring at the gloomy sliver of sky I can see through my bedroom window from beneath covers weighing me to the mattress so lovingly situated directly on the carpeted floor. I woke, albeit sore and worried, with a certain hope for the day. Today was Christmas shopping day. Today might be all right. I rolled out of bed (eventually) and stumbled dizzily to the living room, flipping open my laptop and attacking my normal morning internet routine with fervor.

There were comics and e-mails to check. There was stuff to be done before I had to leave and begin hunting for Christmas goodies. Lo and behold, my kangaroo, my Popeye, my favorite person, was online. The conversation began innocently, as usual. Things were entertaining. I even got him to agree to allow me to buy and send him a Christmas present, as we talked and joked. As usual. But, as usual, there was a slightly sober tone this morning. As usual, the conversation turned sour suddenly. The conversation is long, and quite painful, so I'll skip over the majority of it and just touch on the juicy morsels.

"I should go to bed before I start bitching at you" he proclaimed, after a short conversation about my pouting, and emotions that should be left unstirred. I apologized, as I am wont to do, and he replied "It isn't your fault I can't talk to you without getting upset." Of course I, like a moron, didn't leave it alone and responded with "Would you rather stop talking to me?" I meant it honestly, I really did. There wasn't anything sarcastic about it. He replied with a clear no, and I went on to ask if I could help, if I could make it better. He continued with no, and "Just keep doing whatever it is that you do. I'll be fine." I must admit, I was just slightly hurt by this statement, but I ignored that, and simply told him that I couldn't just not worry about it. His response? "Bleh, I'm turning into (TYOB)"

I was confused, completely blown out of the water by the statement. Aside from the surprise at the suddenness of it, guilt returned to gnaw at me like ravenous ticks, and the slow burn returned to my chest. He went on to tell me that Chris was obsessed with me, that, regardless of how much we talk, he rarely goes by a moment without thinking about me, and that the only way he knows is because he's the same way. Which, of course, stabbed at my heart. Not only am I still hurting people by being here, but I'm hurting my best friend...still.

He then brings up my...well, at the time, my current boyfriend. I hadn't told him we were dating, simply because I knew he'd be upset, and I knew he'd worry over nothing. He, of course, found out, and goes on to tell me that I'm scaring him, and that I'm going to get myself killed. We have a tussle over lies.

He tells me that I'm slowly destroying myself. He says that I've changed a lot in the past year, and that I haven't changed for the better. Woah, low blow, eh? I want to make excuses. I want to scream and yell about how hard life's been, about how many new things I've had to deal with, about how every day is sheer terror attacking me, every time I walk through the front door. But, plain and simple, he is right. I have changed, and not in a good way.

It ends, long story cut very short, with this:

You've spent hours telling me that I'm a moron, basically, and talking about how much I'm hurting you, and everyone around me. And you're mad at me because I'm done listening to it? It's pointless. It's going nowhere and, quite frankly, it hurts like hell. I'm taking your advice. I'm done talking to (my ex). But I don't see how sitting here and listening to you drip poison in my ear is helpful. And you're not there, are you? You logged out. *sigh* Bye

And later:

Don't be worried; I'm not dead. The thing with Jon went beautifully, we barely said a word between the two of us. But I'm taking a break from the internets, and I'll probably not be online for a while. You're right. I'm sorry.

I dumped my boyfriend, but not solely because of this situation. I've had a similar conversation with my mother about him. He's dangerous, he's a liar, he's far too violent for me, and he raped me. He just isn't right for me. I was really only with him because I knew I could keep him at arm's length. The last boyfriend left me in tears, tattered and broken without him. I refuse to be that again.

So, this is my "break from the internets." Have to love that, don't you? Regardless, as much as it hurts to face it, he is right. So, I am making a resolution, the new year is quickly approaching, and I will change to meet it.

1) I will stop this self-sabotaging guilt and self-esteem issue. There will be no more "I'm not doing it because it might go wrong." If I don't try, I won't get anywhere.

2) I will make a conscious effort to be more involved with my family. When everyone else has abandoned me, they will be there for me, and so I should be there for them.

3) I will make a more conscious effort to spend time with those who want to spend time with me. This does not mean dating, this does not mean making deep lasting connections. Please do not misunderstand. But I will make friends.

4) I will be a better person. I will save the money I make for school. I will volunteer my time with charities, instead of sitting on my behind all the time.

I do not need anyone.