To Be Loved

My delightful Aussie and I had a bit of an argument last night. If you can even call it that. Things were fine, we weren't talking about anything important. But suddenly, BAM, right into our laps drops this rather large topic. Trust.

This is not the usual trust argument. Obviously. This is ME we're talking about. I had made a comment about needing to go to bed soon. He asked why, and I replied with a statement on the lack of sleep I have received over the past couple days. I'd slept four hours over the past two days; not exactly a comfortable place to be, for sure. He asked why I had so little sleep, and when I said I wasn't sure, he wondered aloud if it was his fault. "It probably does have something to do with missing you." I said, "But most likely, it more has to do with the fact that my parents are drawing ever closer to the situation that prompted Dad to leave last year, and I have no outlets."

Of course, his response was "Talk to me." Now, as wonderful as this is, I argued that he was the one thing that made me forget, and thus I did not want to talk to him about the situation because I honestly didn't want to think about it, and I didn't want him to worry about it. There was more argument, and it dissolved into "I don't want to lose you." and similar statements. He said that I never would, he promised me that he would never leave. He always keeps his promises, he says. I, of course, lashed out with "'You're not the person I fell in love with'...see, you kept your promise. I changed. Right?", which offended him.

"Don't you trust me?" he asked. "If you don't believe me, you might as well end it right here." he said. I finally said that I couldn't even if I wanted to, which I think satiated him, because he went on to "You don't have to be alone anymore." and argued that he wanted to help me.

At this point, I blew up. I told him that there wasn't a damn thing anybody could do to help me, and I went through a rather long rant about some things that have been bothering me for quite a while. Things that I had told nobody about. I went through some of the most awful things I had ever done. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted him to go ahead and be scared of me, to hurry up and freak out. Just like most everyone else. I told him there was no way he could possibly even believe what I had said, nobody did. I was on the verge of tears. Why does this boy stir up the tears?

After my spiel was over, there was a long pause. I stared at the computer screen, awaiting and dreading the inevitable response. My heart was pounding and burning in my chest, my breath coming in agitated gasps, and tears burned my eyes. I waited for what seemed an eternity. His response was three simple messages that struck me to the core.

I believe you.
I trust you.
I love you.

I stared for quite a while, dumbfounded. I believe you, he said. Someone believed me. He knows more about me than TYOB ever did, and he believes me. And he still wants me. I'll let that sink in for a moment. Though I'm sure some can sympathize, none of you have any idea what that means to me. I am still reeling from the conversation. I feel truly blessed.

Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.