Dizzy

Last week was...something. Something strange and alien, and yet familiar. I'm heading to the middle this week reeling; dizzy from the uncertainty, confusion, and fear. Guilt gnaws at me and nerves choke me.

Let us start with the good news. Or the semi-good news. I have acquired my driver's license with my first try of the test every. Because I am awesome, and had an awesome instructor tester guy thingy. Maneuverability was a bitch, but I got through it and am now fully able to drive by myself. I don't drive well, but I do drive. Oh it is fun! I love driving, as nerve-racking as it is.

My brother stabbed himself in the arm the other day. He had a fairly deep wound. It was gushing blood, from what I hear. My youngest brother says that the older one passed out for a second on the back porch. His friend bandaged him up, his girlfriend and friends knew about it. He told them. But he refused to tell us. He told me that he had been "bitten by [the next door neighbors'] fucking dog." I figured that it had quit bleeding, so I should just let it go, but I honestly could tell he was lying. Later that day we found out about it, and he was taken to the hospital to get stitches. My mom was going to throw him into an institution, and was yelling at him and calling him names and saying that she "didn't know [him] anymore" from what I hear. However, that was a secondary source. My dad told me that my brother had said that was what happened. However, my brother could easily have lied to cover his own arse.

My brother blabbed to his counselor about my mother yelling at him, and our caseworker was sent out again. From what it seems, she has not decided my mother is unfit, and my brother did some covering up. You see, my mom caved yesterday and allowed him to see his girlfriend, even though he wasn't supposed to. She had forbidden it. I think she was sucking up to him so that he wouldn't tell on her to the caseworker.

I hope he doesn't get upset and take it further because of the lack of help he's getting.

There are two guys who are fighting over me right now. It is an odd feeling. The one I met the day we moved in, and he decided then that he liked me. I don't like him, though; not in that way. He is mentally unstable and violent, on top of being in trouble with the law. Frankly, I've had enough trouble with the law. I don't need any more. I don't mind being his friend. I like being his friend, he's fun to be around, but he is not right for me.

Well, this other guy I met just a couple weeks before my ex dumped me. He is a liar; he has a thousand fish stories. He has been jailed on rape charges, though he was cleared through DNA testing, and has been accused unofficially by an ex girlfriend. I hope that it's just circumstance. He and I get along fairly well; we can debate for hours, and it's tons of fun. He's sweet. But, he is also violent. He is highly competitive, also, which makes me wonder if I'm nothing more than a trophy to both of them.

On top of this, the first guy is upset at me now. Things have been going well with guy number two, though I don't know that I really like him as much as he likes me. The first guy is upset because he thinks that I'm being unfair. He told me last night that he thinks I like playing with people's heads. I can see how he would say that. However, it kind of bothers me. I know he's just upset, and I shouldn't listen. Instead, though, I'm thinking that I just should extricate myself from the situation. It's not really worth it to me for them to be fighting over me. I don't want to wedge myself in between them, and I don't want to hurt anyone more than I have to. I just need to tell guy number two no. Even though I don't want to.

Confusion and frustration.

Nerves

My ex-boyfriend came and got all of his junk the other day. Nobody but my brother saw him. He said that he almost went out there, but decided against it. I have a feeling that my brother was helping the ex get the stuff into the truck. He learned the last time to be supportive and pissed off, but only when we're looking. Because Mom had a conniption last time due to the fact that my brother still wanted to be friends with the douche, and was still on his side of the situation. What can I say, right? He prefers his friends to his family. Who could blame him? Most certainly not me.

It is my youngest brother's birthday today. I find it terrifying that he is almost a teenager. My baby brother, who I've always thought of as...well, a baby for lack of a better term, is now almost to the teen stage. I can only imagine what my parents feel like. Or my grandparents. Their youngest grandchild is nearly of an age that he could be reproducing, and in many cultures would be undergoing the rites of adulthood. He would be preparing for marriage. On top of this, their first great grandchild is quickly nearing his first birthday. I hope that they live to see many more of the next generation.

One of the women at work has decided that she is going to help me find a new boyfriend. Immediately, of course, because that's what I need in my life right now. So, if any guy that is even remotely close to my age (read: within fifteen years), there she is behind me, whispering in my ear as covertly as possible and nudging my back until I stumble forward and ask if he needs any help with anything. Well, there just happens to be this one guy...a wonderful way to start a story, no? Anyway, he came in the other day dressed in his work clothes, no doubt, though I have no idea where it is that he works. He was in the store for a total of maybe twenty minutes absolute tops. He seemed to know exactly what he was looking for; he made a bee-line for the Ohio State stuff, snatched up a keychain, paid, and left. Well, for twenty or thirty minutes afterward, this co-worker of mine and I argued about whether or not he was ogling me. So I finally just said that, if the guy came in again (he didn't look at all like someone who'd come into this shop, though I have seen him before), she would win. Well, last night, surprise surprise, he came in again. This time, though, with some girl who seemed to be his girlfriend. But, I still have to tell the co-worker that she won. As he left, I looked at him and smiled really big and said "G'bye, have a great evening." He smiled back, and we locked eyes. Of course, my heart went a-flutter. He has very dark eyes, black hair, and dimples. The dimples are adorable. So, I must say, I have developed a small crush based solely on looks for the first time...no, for the second time in my life. For I am an evil human being. I know it's wrong. But the dimples are so cute! I'd love for him to come back in some time so that I might be able to talk to him, even though he doesn't look at all like someone who I'd like. Though, I shouldn't even want to talk to him. He has a girlfriend, it seems, and I don't want to be a man-stealer person. That's just wrong. We'll just see how it works out, I suppose. But I thought it was funny, personally.

Isn't it hilarious how quickly I digress into nearly normal teenaged dialogue? It's...incoherent, and disgusting. And yet, it's natural.

Useless

So here I sit, after just over a month of relationship goodies. Alone. Again. I feel useless and unwanted, again. It hurts to be told you're not worth it. The fact that I'm not worth his time, or his effort bothers me. Yet, at the same time, I find myself strangely unaffected. I am both disturbed by this, and unsurprised. I have been expecting this for a long while.

It started today with a call to work while I was at Taco Bell getting food. He talked to Brenda, just calling to notify me that he couldn't pick me up after work today. Fantastic, right? I was upset at his unreliability, but mostly fine. When I got home, my mom informed me that he had taken all of his stuff today. All of it. Except, of course, his bed, his television, his fan, etc. So he still has to come back with his parents' truck. I told him when he brought the bed that, when he dumped me, I was keeping the bed. I'll give it back, of course. But I wish I had the balls to keep it.

He says it's because he is stressed with child support payments and school, so he can't be in a relationship. Of course, while mentioning that he found out that Popeye and I were dating less than a month ago...which is a lie. But, y'know, whatever. So I am psycho girlfriend once again.

I'll miss the snuggles, I'll miss the kisses...I'll miss him. Because I do love him, even if the feeling isn't reciprocated.

Part of me is scared that I'll have no other chances. Yet, part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with his baby-ish-ness anymore. I don't have to take care of spiders, or pay for food and gas, or even worry about how he's doing. But I will worry. I will obsess. Because I am a creepy stalker chick.

I find myself wondering why I am so useless. Why am I so hard to get along with? What is so wrong with me that I can't get a boyfriend in real life who's not a complete loser by others' standards. He is the only real-life boyfriend I have ever had, to be honest. Yet, he doesn't have a job, he's annoying, he's a pussy, he's a scaredy cat. But he smirks and I melt. I love him. That will never change. Gah, I hate being a girl.