Useless

So here I sit, after just over a month of relationship goodies. Alone. Again. I feel useless and unwanted, again. It hurts to be told you're not worth it. The fact that I'm not worth his time, or his effort bothers me. Yet, at the same time, I find myself strangely unaffected. I am both disturbed by this, and unsurprised. I have been expecting this for a long while.

It started today with a call to work while I was at Taco Bell getting food. He talked to Brenda, just calling to notify me that he couldn't pick me up after work today. Fantastic, right? I was upset at his unreliability, but mostly fine. When I got home, my mom informed me that he had taken all of his stuff today. All of it. Except, of course, his bed, his television, his fan, etc. So he still has to come back with his parents' truck. I told him when he brought the bed that, when he dumped me, I was keeping the bed. I'll give it back, of course. But I wish I had the balls to keep it.

He says it's because he is stressed with child support payments and school, so he can't be in a relationship. Of course, while mentioning that he found out that Popeye and I were dating less than a month ago...which is a lie. But, y'know, whatever. So I am psycho girlfriend once again.

I'll miss the snuggles, I'll miss the kisses...I'll miss him. Because I do love him, even if the feeling isn't reciprocated.

Part of me is scared that I'll have no other chances. Yet, part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with his baby-ish-ness anymore. I don't have to take care of spiders, or pay for food and gas, or even worry about how he's doing. But I will worry. I will obsess. Because I am a creepy stalker chick.

I find myself wondering why I am so useless. Why am I so hard to get along with? What is so wrong with me that I can't get a boyfriend in real life who's not a complete loser by others' standards. He is the only real-life boyfriend I have ever had, to be honest. Yet, he doesn't have a job, he's annoying, he's a pussy, he's a scaredy cat. But he smirks and I melt. I love him. That will never change. Gah, I hate being a girl.