Dizzy

Last week was...something. Something strange and alien, and yet familiar. I'm heading to the middle this week reeling; dizzy from the uncertainty, confusion, and fear. Guilt gnaws at me and nerves choke me.

Let us start with the good news. Or the semi-good news. I have acquired my driver's license with my first try of the test every. Because I am awesome, and had an awesome instructor tester guy thingy. Maneuverability was a bitch, but I got through it and am now fully able to drive by myself. I don't drive well, but I do drive. Oh it is fun! I love driving, as nerve-racking as it is.

My brother stabbed himself in the arm the other day. He had a fairly deep wound. It was gushing blood, from what I hear. My youngest brother says that the older one passed out for a second on the back porch. His friend bandaged him up, his girlfriend and friends knew about it. He told them. But he refused to tell us. He told me that he had been "bitten by [the next door neighbors'] fucking dog." I figured that it had quit bleeding, so I should just let it go, but I honestly could tell he was lying. Later that day we found out about it, and he was taken to the hospital to get stitches. My mom was going to throw him into an institution, and was yelling at him and calling him names and saying that she "didn't know [him] anymore" from what I hear. However, that was a secondary source. My dad told me that my brother had said that was what happened. However, my brother could easily have lied to cover his own arse.

My brother blabbed to his counselor about my mother yelling at him, and our caseworker was sent out again. From what it seems, she has not decided my mother is unfit, and my brother did some covering up. You see, my mom caved yesterday and allowed him to see his girlfriend, even though he wasn't supposed to. She had forbidden it. I think she was sucking up to him so that he wouldn't tell on her to the caseworker.

I hope he doesn't get upset and take it further because of the lack of help he's getting.

There are two guys who are fighting over me right now. It is an odd feeling. The one I met the day we moved in, and he decided then that he liked me. I don't like him, though; not in that way. He is mentally unstable and violent, on top of being in trouble with the law. Frankly, I've had enough trouble with the law. I don't need any more. I don't mind being his friend. I like being his friend, he's fun to be around, but he is not right for me.

Well, this other guy I met just a couple weeks before my ex dumped me. He is a liar; he has a thousand fish stories. He has been jailed on rape charges, though he was cleared through DNA testing, and has been accused unofficially by an ex girlfriend. I hope that it's just circumstance. He and I get along fairly well; we can debate for hours, and it's tons of fun. He's sweet. But, he is also violent. He is highly competitive, also, which makes me wonder if I'm nothing more than a trophy to both of them.

On top of this, the first guy is upset at me now. Things have been going well with guy number two, though I don't know that I really like him as much as he likes me. The first guy is upset because he thinks that I'm being unfair. He told me last night that he thinks I like playing with people's heads. I can see how he would say that. However, it kind of bothers me. I know he's just upset, and I shouldn't listen. Instead, though, I'm thinking that I just should extricate myself from the situation. It's not really worth it to me for them to be fighting over me. I don't want to wedge myself in between them, and I don't want to hurt anyone more than I have to. I just need to tell guy number two no. Even though I don't want to.

Confusion and frustration.