There once was a girl who read limericks.

I found a delightful little website started by the writer of one of my favorite webcomics, xkcd. I've been reading all day. It's fun ^_^ Some are awkward, some are dumb, but most are fun ^_^ I've the beat running through my head now, but I'll not try to write one. I'm no poet, and I'll not mar that facet of writing again ^_~ But go read other people's awesome limericks, anyway ^_^

"But I'm still scared"

Saturday was an odd day to say the least. I did not end up spending the day alone, but with a large group of people. I went over to this girl's house, FB's (Fat Boy's) "girlfriend", but not the one that Cool Bro liked. That probably makes no sense to you. Regardless, she lives next door. We'll call her Teen Queen, or TQ for short. There were a couple other people there, TQ's "baby mamma", and this girl's friend who was out of jail for the day. Which was interesting to say the least. And The French One (TFO), of course, who is just awesome. I felt so bad, though, TFO got picked on a bit because he's still a virgin. I should have stood up and said something, but I didn't. I was too busy being shy.

We walked in to FB and TFO smoking a bowl. They were all sitting around talking about this party that was going on later that night. I was invited, but I didn't go. I said that I "had things to do around the house"...but really, I was talking to my boyfriend and avoiding the "Hookah" (they claimed it was just tobacco in there) and the ecstasy that they were all going to take. Which, though it sounds absolutely delightful to lose all your motor function and be "rollin'", just isn't for me. They're not too bright when they're sober. Why would they be when they're smoking pot and "rollin'"...and with me joining in? Not so much. So I passed that one up.

I came home after a bit and stole the desktop away before other people could use it. I got to actually hold a conversation with Popeye! Amazing, isn't it? It was fun. Though I am no conversationalist. So it was slow at first. TFO came over after a bit with Cool Bro, TQ left to take her "baby momma" to work, and they didn't want to be there when TQ's terrifying mother got home. So, they hid at my house until TFO had to go home for dinner. TFO found out about the whole online boyfriend thing...he asked a direct question, and got a direct answer. But he didn't get all freaky. There was something odd in the way he spoke to me and looked at me afterward, though. He got uncomfortable. But I didn't get a "Why?" or one of those "You're crazy!" looks. I can't really describe it, but it was different. I'm worried that he just thinks I'm too weird even for conversation now.

So yeah, I spent a very long time talking to Popeye. We sang together, after Cool Bro helped me out a bit. It was nice of him. He made the situation less...frustrating. Less nerve racking? He started belting out lyrics, and picking songs that I know. Because Popeye was bugging me to sing. Not quite sure why that was such a big deal, but meh. It happens. Then, later in the evening, I moved onto the other computer. The mic didn't work, but there was still the visual aspect, which was kinda fun. And...stuff happened. Wink wink, nudge nudge? Yeah, it was kind of surprising to me, even though I was expecting it.

But afterward, he was nervous. "I've given you everything now" he said. He got worried that I was going to dump him after that. This has been kind of a recurring theme. We both get worried and insecure; he's just more verbal about it. I've learned to "STFU" as it were. Not that I think there's anything wrong with him saying so. I would much rather he talk to me about it than not. If he didn't, he'd just dump me. This would...crush me, to say the least. I know the chances of the relationship working out are slim. He lives halfway across the world, for chrissakes. Plus, the whole "self-esteem" issue kind of gets in the way. Rarely do relationships work if the partners don't believe themselves truly worthy, or are always expecting the other to leave. But that doesn't stop me from hoping.

Last night he said so, too. But last night he said that he didn't think, if this didn't work out, we could go back to the way things were. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I agree. Even before all this webcam stuff...it just won't work to go back. Now, I'm sure it will be awkward in the beginning. But I think that would level out. However, I honestly don't think we could ever be as close as we were. It's incredibly unfortunate. So this had better work out. Because I need him.

Oh God, why does he have to live so far away?

On Such a Day as This...

Oh the snow has been piling up lately. I saw it snow the hardest I've ever seen last night. It was completely white. I could not see across the street, it was snowing so hard. A white wall, swirling in all directions. And completely silent except for the whistle of the wind as it whorled across the earth. Then today it snowed nearly all day, a cheery gentle snow of huge fluffy flakes, drifting like pieces of cloud from the atmosphere. Drifts sit everywhere, rising to my ankles. It's not packing snow, though. It's the fluffy kind that reminds me of feathers.

Tonight there was a lunar eclipse. It was breathtaking. The moon glittered around the edges, but there was a reddish orange hue over the round of it. I think that, down here being icy and colorless, it made the moon more beautiful than it would have been had the eclipse occurred in the summertime. It was breathtaking.

Popeye and I are still going strong, despite a couple scares. I love him so much! It's odd; we've never met. We've not quite been dating a month. Yet, I've never been happier. He is my other half. To steal from a movie trailer, he is the cheese to my macaroni. I'm officially obsessed. I've never felt this way about anyone before. Most kids my age will say that about every relationship they have; the phrase is so overused. But I have never felt the need to say this before. He is different, though, than anyone else. If it came down to it, I would marry him tonight, and die for him tomorrow.

I know, anyone who reads this is going to shake their head at my naiveté. You, who are world weary travelers, who have seen more and know more than I do. I've done the cynical thing. I will probably do it again, when this relationship ends in ashes and I am left alone once again. I know this. But for right now, I am happy. For right now, I entertain romantic illusions of grandeur. Life will throw me curve balls. But for now, I'm looking at the straight path, and ignoring the ambushes.

Ugh. Happy.

ZOMG, LINKIN PARK!

WEWT! Zomg, Cool Bro and I went to the LP/Coheed and Cambria/Chiodos concert tonight. It was AMAZING! Though there was a bit of drama.

We thought our seats were for the floor, but it just so happens we were wrong. We went up to the floor manager, a friend and I, because we were wondering what to do with our coats. He looked at us and told us that our seats were not floor seats after all. The girl and guy we were with were upset, to say the least. So, they both left. Fifty bucks down the drain. 'S ok, though. Fat boy's girlfriend came and sat with us. Though she was pissed at him (she is quickly realizing that he is insincere) we had fun anyway, with her and her cousin.

Chiodos came on first. This was while Fat Boy and the girl were with us. Their performance, though they were enjoying themselves, was really lackluster. Though we tried to get into it, I just couldn't at the very least. I couldn't understand the lead singer at ALL, even when I could hear him. On top of that, I wasn't familiar with the music.

Then came Coheed and Cambria who, I must say, are AWESOME. The lead singer's voice is odd, and their performance went on FOREVER. But the music was good. The lead singer's hair is EPIC! On top of that, he played with his FACE! During one of the solos, he played guitar behind his head and with his face! It was amazing! He played well, too. They all did. AH!

And then the main event. Though we felt like we were waiting forever, Linkin Park finally came out! They were AWESOME! Chester has an amazing pair of lungs; that guy can scream for days, and then move right on and sound like he just started! They all played really well, and the drummer pulled off this awesome solo that blew me away! This was when everyone got up. Although the floor was pitiful; nobody was even jumping about for most of the time...the seats were better! We had fun ^_^ There was jumping and screaming and headbanging. I've never screamed so loud and for so long in my entire life. I've lost my voice, popped something in my neck, and pulled all the muscles in my stomach. My feet and legs hurt, as does my arm. I am exhausted. But it was AMAZING. Among the most amazing astounding wonderful experiences of my life. Linkin Park is WONDERFUL live :D And they played all the best songs!

Drowning

How does one manage to go so swiftly and so completely from the high of wedding bells to the euphoric, yet crushing feeling of drowning? It's pounding around me, all this shit. I can see the surface, can see happiness, and yet I can't seem to touch it. It's just out of reach. The light washes over me in patches, but my hair is ballooning around me now, and I can hardly see anything. Something is pulling me down.

The crushing fear comes first; what if? What if it actually happens? What if I die cold, wet, and alone? Shivering, tied with metal and concrete to this murky and weightless golden green world? I can see nothing but murky water and the ghostly shapes of fish and seaweed going about their daily business. I can feel nothing but currents and chill as I fall deeper and deeper, and the surface and the light, salvation and happiness, get further and further away. My arms claw for purchase on something of their own regard, pinwheeling in an attempt to bear me upward toward the surface, toward air. My lungs cry for breath, though I pinch my lips shut. And the fear that I'll never see that brilliant sun crushes me, just as the pressure of the millions of gallons of water presses on me.

The terror that rips through me cries of the many small happinesses of lying in the grass on a summer's day, climbing a tree as the wind whips my hair into a frenzy, biting into a sweet apple and watching its golden juice bead up and leak down the side. The sight of my family's faces. Curling up with a book in a winter chill, the comforting warmth of my dog next to me. Watching a cloud. These things are lost to me now, and I know not what comes next.

That simple thought triggers something in me. A simple acceptance of my fate. I don't know what will come next, and this allows me to resign myself somehow to my fate. My arms are no longer clawing for purchase, my eyes no longer straining for the surface, and my lungs no longer crying for air as I hold my breath. I can stop and look around, and I know that this is not the worst of sights as a last sight. This is not the worst of feelings as a last feeling. My hair, my clothes, my arms are all pulled and tugged by water, my body weightless as the concrete block hits rock bottom with an ethereal echo, an eternal thud that cries through the dampened world about me, announcing my arrival to all those present. But there is simple resignation in me now.

I just wish there was the euphoria of death to meet me as the air rushes from my lungs.

Instead there is a "what if" that keeps nagging at my ear. What if this isn't rock bottom? What if, as time goes on, I will be borne deeper into the murky waters? What if...?

Yes, this sounds like a bunch of "emo" mumbo jumbo, and it makes sense to none but me. But I understand it, and this blog is about me, so you'll have to stuff it. ^_^ Now back to the happy mask.

I just wish there was the euphoria of death to meet me.

Wedding Bells

Popeye got a job recently! He is a Junior IT with some company or another, I'm not sure what the name of it is. Yesterday was his first day, and he said in his e-mail that it went well. He has to learn HTML for it, though, which will make it a bit difficult. Shit happens, though, and he'll get it ^_^ I BELIEVE in him!

It kind of stinks, though. Even though it means that he will be able to visit eventually, It takes a huge chunk out of our time together; we may not see each other at all on weekdays. Even if we do, it won't be for very much time at all. So, we will see how it goes. Weekends he is free, and I'll talk to him then. And there's always e-mail. But IM is so much more fun, and more personal. Thus, I am a bit bummed.

I got to hear his voice for the first time EVER just the other day. He's never let me hear his voice in the whole four years I've known him. Just last night, my brother talked him into it. Dangit, Scott is so much better at all this than I am. Regardless, he has a perfectly clear and wonderful voice, and an adorable accent. It's odd, though, I've never actually spoken to someone with an accent before. Well, there has been the occasional New York or Southern, but for the most part they are not thick at all. His accent is thick as peanut butter. Where that description came from, I have no idea, but I digress.

I am hearing wedding bells. I know, I know, we've not even been dating for a month yet. On top of this, I've not met him in person once. But I have known him for nearly four years, and have been best best best friends with him for six or seven months now. So in a way, I suppose it's not THAT much a leap. I've made bigger. Girliness tends to take over when it comes to relationships, though I do resist. He, on the other hand, does not resist in the slightest. He is more in touch with his feminine side than I am in a lot of ways ^_^

Otherwise, I have been reading and playing a lot of video games lately. I'm working on George Eliot's The Mill on the Floss. It is one of the Christmas books I got from my grandmother. Next on the list is either Wuthering Heights or Animal Farm by George Orwell, which I got in the mail for school, but which I've wanted to read for a while. I'm reading The Crucible for one English class right now, too, which, though I've read it, and seen the movie, is still semi-interesting. Finally, I will be starting The War of the Worlds for my other English class fairly soon, though that will take very little time; I have a week devoted to the book. Also, I played Halo 3 for the first time the other day, and I absolutely loved it ^_^ Then my brother and I went back and started it on Legendary, but we keep dying. It's hard! I've only played on Normal up until now, so that jump is gargantuan for me, though I'm not doing too badly. Cool Bro is getting his arse whooped, though, and it's frustrating him. But it makes me giggle after he died twice during the entire campaign when he played Normal with me. He's a Heroic kid, I think. ^_^ But it's fun, for sure.

Who knows, though. Maybe Popeye is "The One". And maybe, more likely, I am just being girly. But we are so alike, and we're getting along so well right now. So I am enjoying it while it lasts ^_^