"But I'm still scared"

Saturday was an odd day to say the least. I did not end up spending the day alone, but with a large group of people. I went over to this girl's house, FB's (Fat Boy's) "girlfriend", but not the one that Cool Bro liked. That probably makes no sense to you. Regardless, she lives next door. We'll call her Teen Queen, or TQ for short. There were a couple other people there, TQ's "baby mamma", and this girl's friend who was out of jail for the day. Which was interesting to say the least. And The French One (TFO), of course, who is just awesome. I felt so bad, though, TFO got picked on a bit because he's still a virgin. I should have stood up and said something, but I didn't. I was too busy being shy.

We walked in to FB and TFO smoking a bowl. They were all sitting around talking about this party that was going on later that night. I was invited, but I didn't go. I said that I "had things to do around the house"...but really, I was talking to my boyfriend and avoiding the "Hookah" (they claimed it was just tobacco in there) and the ecstasy that they were all going to take. Which, though it sounds absolutely delightful to lose all your motor function and be "rollin'", just isn't for me. They're not too bright when they're sober. Why would they be when they're smoking pot and "rollin'"...and with me joining in? Not so much. So I passed that one up.

I came home after a bit and stole the desktop away before other people could use it. I got to actually hold a conversation with Popeye! Amazing, isn't it? It was fun. Though I am no conversationalist. So it was slow at first. TFO came over after a bit with Cool Bro, TQ left to take her "baby momma" to work, and they didn't want to be there when TQ's terrifying mother got home. So, they hid at my house until TFO had to go home for dinner. TFO found out about the whole online boyfriend thing...he asked a direct question, and got a direct answer. But he didn't get all freaky. There was something odd in the way he spoke to me and looked at me afterward, though. He got uncomfortable. But I didn't get a "Why?" or one of those "You're crazy!" looks. I can't really describe it, but it was different. I'm worried that he just thinks I'm too weird even for conversation now.

So yeah, I spent a very long time talking to Popeye. We sang together, after Cool Bro helped me out a bit. It was nice of him. He made the situation less...frustrating. Less nerve racking? He started belting out lyrics, and picking songs that I know. Because Popeye was bugging me to sing. Not quite sure why that was such a big deal, but meh. It happens. Then, later in the evening, I moved onto the other computer. The mic didn't work, but there was still the visual aspect, which was kinda fun. And...stuff happened. Wink wink, nudge nudge? Yeah, it was kind of surprising to me, even though I was expecting it.

But afterward, he was nervous. "I've given you everything now" he said. He got worried that I was going to dump him after that. This has been kind of a recurring theme. We both get worried and insecure; he's just more verbal about it. I've learned to "STFU" as it were. Not that I think there's anything wrong with him saying so. I would much rather he talk to me about it than not. If he didn't, he'd just dump me. This would...crush me, to say the least. I know the chances of the relationship working out are slim. He lives halfway across the world, for chrissakes. Plus, the whole "self-esteem" issue kind of gets in the way. Rarely do relationships work if the partners don't believe themselves truly worthy, or are always expecting the other to leave. But that doesn't stop me from hoping.

Last night he said so, too. But last night he said that he didn't think, if this didn't work out, we could go back to the way things were. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I agree. Even before all this webcam stuff...it just won't work to go back. Now, I'm sure it will be awkward in the beginning. But I think that would level out. However, I honestly don't think we could ever be as close as we were. It's incredibly unfortunate. So this had better work out. Because I need him.

Oh God, why does he have to live so far away?