Hypothetically...

"Hypothetically, what would you say if I were to tell you I was falling for you?"

Popeye said this to me today, just about half an hour ago. I'm still reeling. Popeye...my bestbestbest friend. Oh it's wonderful :) He won't date me, but it is still kind of nice to know that I'm fall worthy.

Though, in a way, it is a bit frustrating. The only guys who like me are ten thousand miles away. That does not speak well for my character, does it? It is frustrating in a way. The only way for me to get a date, it seems, is to date people who I have never met, can never touch, or see...essentially not knowing them until my wedding day, should that ever decide to happen. *sigh*

I've been hanging out with a bunch of my brother's friends the past couple days, which is pretty cool :) They're nice people, and they're fun. We kind of have a group thing going on. My biggest issue is the whole "pot" thing...all of them smoke pot, and it bothers me. I feel very...out of the loop. I don't smoke...ever...I feel very out of place in a lot of ways. We'll just see how it goes. But for now, I'm just hanging out with them.

Okay, So I'm a Bitch...

Yeah, last night, after hours of confusion, frustration, and loneliness, hours of wondering what, if anything, to do, I did something. Rather than calling Car-Boy and screaming, I just sent him a delightful little AIM message. It read, basically, as follows:

"Hey...so...y'know...if you tell me that you're too busy and tired to hang out with me...you might not want to invite my brother out to a movie. Kinda blows your cover, no? :) How's about we try something here...ready? "I don't want to hang out with you"....there, wasn't that easy? I swear it works SO much better! :D Anywho, sleep well. :) Have a GREAT weekend, and have a GREAT week at school :) Toodles :)"

Sarcastic and bitchy enough? I thought it was. I was rather proud that I stood up and said something rather than just shutting up and letting it go. To an extent. Now that I've been pissed off, it's time to let it go :) But, I've ranted enough. It's over now.

Today is Saturday. I wonder what I'm watching Cool Bro do today.

About a Boy (Or Three)

Remember Car-Boy? Remember how he liked me, but just never seemed to have time for me? Yeah. I had stopped going out of my way to contact him. So, the other day he texted me out of nowhere. Good sign, no? We didn't have a very long conversation, but it was better than nothing, right? There were niceties exchanged, "How have you been, how were exams, etc." and then I said "We need to hang out soon! :)" There is silence for several minutes, during which my stomach is flipping and flopping all over the place. Finally, I hear the tell-tale Mario theme song, and flip my phone open. He tells me that he's busy Friday (today), he's working, and he'll be too tired to come over after work. I respond with an "it's okay" and "I think I'm busy tomorrow, anyway. Maybe later in the weekend? hehe" So...after work, he's exhausted, right? And he calls my brother and invites him and his friend, while they are sitting at my house, right next to me, to the movies. How dumb does he think I am? "I like you, I want to hang out with you"...but I'm too busy, I'm always working. Until I want to go see a movie with your brother. That's fine. Seriously. Duh, lol.

Mr. Scientist, my friend from a while ago. Remember me talking about him? Yeah, so I went over to his house, despite my fear about it, and hung out with him for a while. Deceptively great, right? He's nice, I suppose. The problem would be that he seems to treat me more as a pet project than a friend. I am the poor little girl that he hangs out with to help. He is always smarter than I am, always knows more (though I am well aware of nearly every point he brings up), and always has the right answers. I am just poor stupid girl who he is benevolent enough to grace with his presence; I am simply his charity work for the day. Or so it seems. And I remember why I stopped talking to him.

Le (ex) Boyfriend's baby was born on the sixth. Adorable, right? Not too long ago he sent me a one paragraph letter that read as follows:

(Me),
I'm sorry things ended up the way they did. But I want you to know, I still truly love you. I wish I could see you and hug you once more, even for a split second. I hope and pray that maybe someday....in the future, we get a chance to start over. I still cry over you. I just want you to know, I care for you deeply.
I will love you
always and forever,
Mr. (Le Boyfriend)

This came to me through one of the middle school girls this father of 21 hangs out with, with hearts over the i's in my name on the front of the envelope, and doused in cologne so strong that it scented my room. Even better, this is nearly word for word what he was saying to his pregnant ex-girlfriend before we broke up, and just afterward. Before she rejected him, it seems. Wonderful. Then, the mutual middle school friend runs off and tells him my reaction (rolled eyes and groans, I suppose was what she said). His response to this is to write two emo poems about how alone he is and how fake I am (horrid poems, by the way), and a long post about how much a bitch I am...on the middle schooler's MySpace! Really mature, right? Now, he has a blog post about how much he truly loves his ex again, and how sometimes it seems that she still loves him, too, and how he has never been happy without her. He has to force himself to eat, and his only smiles are fake ones so that people don't worry. Bullshit he spouted to me before and during our dating process. He certainly has his story down, huh? Awesome, right?

I am so very frustrated with my entire social situation. I am so lonely, and I am so sick of people only hanging out with me because they are friends with my much cooler brother and I just happen to be there, or because I will do their homework for them, or because I will listen to them talk about their crushes for hours on end and say nothing about anything else. I just wish, for once, someone would like me for me, would want to hang out with me because I'm a cool person. I wish that someone would want to kiss and hold me because they think I'm pretty, and because they like who I am. Not because I'll submit to whatever they say, and keep the bruises a secret because they were given out of love, right? Not because I'm the only one that will. Because they love me, and don't want me to change. Because they like who I am.

But, who am I kidding? Guys don't want to date other guys, and I certainly am no girl. I whine on here more than I do in real life. I like watching football and baseball. I love video games. I'm a nerd, I speak more properly than most people I know. I love to read. I love Dungeons and Dragons. Yet, I am such a dumb blonde (I was born blonde, though my hair has darkened with age). I fall down the stairs regularly out of klutziness, and ask the most retarded questions you have ever heard off of the short bus on a fairly regular basis. I laugh at lewd jokes, and *gasps* I fart! I poop and pee, too...and I am well aware that most organisms on this planet do. I don't know how to put on makeup properly, nor do I care all that much. For the most part, I brush my hair and walk away. If I'm feeling extra fancy, I'll put it up in a ponytail. That's about all I know how to do. I harbor no illusions that I'll ever be anywhere fancy enough to need anything better. I own three pairs of shoes; a pair of sandals, a pair of (worn) tennis shoes, and a pair of boots. The newest of these is the pair of tennis shoes with holes in the soles. I wear t-shirts and jeans all the time, and I am frugal about my clothing. I don't care about fashion. I want to go to the movies and see I Am Legend, Hitman, and The Omen. I neither have seen, nor have the urge to see "The Notebook" or any of it's ilk. Why would someone want to even hang out with me, let alone date me, hug me, kiss me, marry me? Honestly? *sigh* Wewt for a lifetime of loneliness. I'll just go over here and snuggle with my puppy dog :) Cat lady, anyone?

Yeesh...

Ruh roh, panic, in the head lights. What am I going to do? We're coming upon a similar issue we had before, that kind of started the whole "life upheaval" thing. And...we're barreling in there. *sigh* Terror has gripped my heart, despite my best efforts.

10 Days Down, 355 To Go!

So. Yeah. It's the new year! And I feel like a new person. That probably sounds cliche. But it's true. So, I can't change it. A lot has happened over the past couple years, and I after it all...I finally feel content with who I am. Now, teenage hormones might sweep in at any moment and change it. However, right this moment, I think that I'm okay. I'm worth something.

Don't mistunderstand me; there are things I want to change. There are ways I can get better. But, I think I'm okay, anyway.

So, what's changed since I typed at you last?

I dumped Le Boyfriend. I felt he was coming over solely to run from his responsibilities; namely getting a job to support his son. Who, by the way, was born January 6th :-p But, anywho, so he still doesn't have a job, it appears. He's just claiming he is going to get into the police academy. Which probably won't happen, with his driving record (his license was revoked because he didn't pay the tickets) and his mental imbalance. He freaks out about little things with his physical issues, claiming that they're awful all of a sudden when he wants attention. He wants to be taken care of *all the time*! The worst part of it was, after I broke up with him, he was yelling at me (as usual) about being rude when he showed up to get his stuff. So, my mom basically said "don't talk to her anymore" and, not only did he refuse, but he started calling her names. He then called me to yell at me some more, but my mom picked up the phone, so he screamed at her. Just screamed. It was awful. I can deal with you being mean, leaving bruises, and screaming at me. But you stay away from my family with all of that. Gah!

TYOB got a girlfriend for Christmas. A girl asked him out Christmas Eve. I'm glad for him :-) But, I must admit, I do wonder what would have happened had I been just a little bit quicker. I was going to ask him out that evening; I had been mulling it over for a while, and just didn't know how to ask. But, I was too slow. So lately I have been wondering. But, I'm still happy for him; hopefully she makes him happy. I have a feeling he moved in with her; he left NC just recently and wouldn't tell me where he was going. So hopefully she's doing well by him. I want him to be happy.

There's a new guy down the street, Car-boy, who I was hanging out with a bit, and really liked. I call him Car-Boy because I went and helped him clean his car the first time we really hung out. But he stood me up Sunday, and then refused to talk to me. When he finally did, he said that he hadn't had internet for a few days, and didn't think to text me, and that he was so sorry. Except, on Facebook you can see what someone's done (when they leave comments to things, add applications to their page, change things, etc...) and he has been very active over the past few days. So, he's lying, basically, unless someone else is on there. So I am very confused; I thought he liked me, and now he's lying to me and stood me up. Maybe he had a very good reason for it, and just can't talk about it. Who knows. So, back to riding it out and seeing what happens.

An old friend of mine is talking to be again. I have to think of a name for him...he's a paradox in a lot of ways. We were flirting over the summer, and then I got scared of him and ignored him. So, recently contacted me again for no apparent reason. And we've been talking, but it is agreed that we are just friends, at least for now. He's been really nice, and he's quite funny. It's nice to have him back.

Another old friend from my RS days, (ex) friend of TYOB, has popped up recently. Popeye :-) He lives in Australia; I may have mentioned him before, I can't remember. Le Boyfriend called him "(my) Kangaroo" and got mad that I picked that up because it sounded like a pet name. He was VERY suspicious. But anywho, Popeye is lots of fun; he's such a dork, like me! We can sit around and gab about anime and webcomics and video games for HOURS. It's loads of fun. I still need to play Guitar Hero with him online; we haven't gotten around to it yet. But he's a lot of fun. I LERVE him :-p

My mom has been obsessed with this machinima thing on Second Life; she makes music videos by filming (using Fraps) in Second Life. It's fun; I've been in many of them. She's pretty good at it, ESPECIALLY when one considers that she's only been doing it a very short period of time; two weeks or so, I think. Check her out on YouTube; Melodia McD. She just recently lost a very close friend, Kyla Namanari, and did a memorial video for her. Well, part one. There's a party on Friday she's going to to film Part Two, which will be everyone dancing about and laughing, what Kyla asked her partner she tell them to do just before she died. I never even spoke to her, unfortunately. She was an amazing person. But just seeing these people breaking down, and seeing their love for her, makes me mourn her death. I've nearly cried several times about it. Me, lol. My mom has cried a lot about it. The song she used for the memorial also reminds me of TYOB's relationship, before she even used it for this, so it was already a sad song. But, it's beautiful, I think, despite some minor timing issues because of glitches.

Anywho, so I should probably shaddup so that you don't DIE before the end of this, lol.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

Rock Band. Amazing. It, in my humble opinion, is definitely worth it. I think it is *way* better than Guitar Hero, even if you don't add in the other instruments. The character creation is amazing, the song selection is pretty awesome. I absolutely love it. The drums are my favorite. They're so new, so well done, and it's just generally fun to hit something as hard as possible to a given beat. :D

Happy Thanksgiving. 'Twas a good holiday, by precedence. We ate. A LOT. 'Twas fun. And I met my baby cousin and he's adorable.

Buh bye, back to Rock Band-ness!

Changes, Newness, and Guitar Hero

It has been forever since I've been here, obviously. Or, well, I suppose only a couple months. But, still. Things change oh so quickly around here. It seems just yesterday that I was playing Super Mario Bros with my brother and frustrated because I couldn't get my meaty little sausage fingers to dance over the buttons like my parents did. Though, I suppose, I'm still having that problem.

Two-Year Online Boyfriend's heart was broken by yours truly, because I'm a whore. Distraction by newness of physical interaction, I suppose. But, alas, nothing can be done now. My mom pointed out that TYOB kind of worshiped the ground I walked on, and thus I perhaps was with him for so long because it felt good, not because I liked him all that much. I don't know if she's right or not. But Le Boyfriend now is quite interesting, anyway. For now. Not that we don't have issues, and I'm not sure we'll last long. *shrug* 'Twas time to move on. Everything else has changed. Why not this? Yay for first kisses and such :-) Kinda nice.

It's odd. I have such aversion to any sort of social interaction. My heart flutters, my stomach flips, I feel as if I am about to faint. Yet, for some reason, he is okay. I trust him in a way I've never trusted anyone. However, there are some issues that I deem very serious. Namely a tiny Le Boyfriend on the way in January (no, not mine, I swear) who he seems to be almost ignoring. I feel as if I am enabling it. Who knows. It's confusing, and highly frustrating due to my lack of social interaction. I find it awfully hard to be hopeful when something serious like this goes on with the only guy who I've ever really felt comfortable with in real life. But, this is just me, I suppose. Yay for confusing emotions. Angst and rawr.

I'm looking for a job. Lots of fun, especially for anti-social licenseless me. No, I do not have my driver's license. My father refuses to let me use the public bus because poor little me could get hurt. He's such a chauvinist sometimes. I know he's just trying to look out for me. But my goodness, can't he trust me even a little tiny bit? My brother, who doesn't even weigh as much as I do, is just fine on the bus, however. I just don't know what to do or how to go about doing it. But we shall see.

Guitar Hero is awesome. I'm a bit obsessed with music games as a general rule. Not only does this tap into that...but it also allows me to feel like I am a Rock Star! WEWT! I can rock out with the five colored buttons. Yet, my fingers don't seem to want to work as well as my parent's fingers do, still. Dag nabbit. But, alas, there is naught I can do but practice.

Three days until the most awesomest music game I've ever seen. Rock Band. My dear sweet father pre-ordered it for us. We're even going to get to the midnight showing. Sure, the gas may go out here soon. But Rock Band is worth it, we're going to wear lots of coats! :D I can't wait. We're going to spend the week playing the family band (like the Partridges!) and kick so much ass it'll be hi-larious! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. Le Boyfriend, however, is not nearly as excited due to the fact that he can't come over for that week. No friends, despite the lack of school, because my mom wants a chance to play it before the neighborhood (aka, my brother's friends) descend upon it like the starving to a feast. I just can't wait for the awesomeness of Rockstarness!

Wewt for changes...and for beautiful midnight pick-ups. And maybe not-so-wewt, at the same time. I hate that I've hurt TYOB. I love him, I honestly do. Despite what I may say. But he's so far away...