About a Boy (Or Three)

Remember Car-Boy? Remember how he liked me, but just never seemed to have time for me? Yeah. I had stopped going out of my way to contact him. So, the other day he texted me out of nowhere. Good sign, no? We didn't have a very long conversation, but it was better than nothing, right? There were niceties exchanged, "How have you been, how were exams, etc." and then I said "We need to hang out soon! :)" There is silence for several minutes, during which my stomach is flipping and flopping all over the place. Finally, I hear the tell-tale Mario theme song, and flip my phone open. He tells me that he's busy Friday (today), he's working, and he'll be too tired to come over after work. I respond with an "it's okay" and "I think I'm busy tomorrow, anyway. Maybe later in the weekend? hehe" So...after work, he's exhausted, right? And he calls my brother and invites him and his friend, while they are sitting at my house, right next to me, to the movies. How dumb does he think I am? "I like you, I want to hang out with you"...but I'm too busy, I'm always working. Until I want to go see a movie with your brother. That's fine. Seriously. Duh, lol.

Mr. Scientist, my friend from a while ago. Remember me talking about him? Yeah, so I went over to his house, despite my fear about it, and hung out with him for a while. Deceptively great, right? He's nice, I suppose. The problem would be that he seems to treat me more as a pet project than a friend. I am the poor little girl that he hangs out with to help. He is always smarter than I am, always knows more (though I am well aware of nearly every point he brings up), and always has the right answers. I am just poor stupid girl who he is benevolent enough to grace with his presence; I am simply his charity work for the day. Or so it seems. And I remember why I stopped talking to him.

Le (ex) Boyfriend's baby was born on the sixth. Adorable, right? Not too long ago he sent me a one paragraph letter that read as follows:

(Me),
I'm sorry things ended up the way they did. But I want you to know, I still truly love you. I wish I could see you and hug you once more, even for a split second. I hope and pray that maybe someday....in the future, we get a chance to start over. I still cry over you. I just want you to know, I care for you deeply.
I will love you
always and forever,
Mr. (Le Boyfriend)

This came to me through one of the middle school girls this father of 21 hangs out with, with hearts over the i's in my name on the front of the envelope, and doused in cologne so strong that it scented my room. Even better, this is nearly word for word what he was saying to his pregnant ex-girlfriend before we broke up, and just afterward. Before she rejected him, it seems. Wonderful. Then, the mutual middle school friend runs off and tells him my reaction (rolled eyes and groans, I suppose was what she said). His response to this is to write two emo poems about how alone he is and how fake I am (horrid poems, by the way), and a long post about how much a bitch I am...on the middle schooler's MySpace! Really mature, right? Now, he has a blog post about how much he truly loves his ex again, and how sometimes it seems that she still loves him, too, and how he has never been happy without her. He has to force himself to eat, and his only smiles are fake ones so that people don't worry. Bullshit he spouted to me before and during our dating process. He certainly has his story down, huh? Awesome, right?

I am so very frustrated with my entire social situation. I am so lonely, and I am so sick of people only hanging out with me because they are friends with my much cooler brother and I just happen to be there, or because I will do their homework for them, or because I will listen to them talk about their crushes for hours on end and say nothing about anything else. I just wish, for once, someone would like me for me, would want to hang out with me because I'm a cool person. I wish that someone would want to kiss and hold me because they think I'm pretty, and because they like who I am. Not because I'll submit to whatever they say, and keep the bruises a secret because they were given out of love, right? Not because I'm the only one that will. Because they love me, and don't want me to change. Because they like who I am.

But, who am I kidding? Guys don't want to date other guys, and I certainly am no girl. I whine on here more than I do in real life. I like watching football and baseball. I love video games. I'm a nerd, I speak more properly than most people I know. I love to read. I love Dungeons and Dragons. Yet, I am such a dumb blonde (I was born blonde, though my hair has darkened with age). I fall down the stairs regularly out of klutziness, and ask the most retarded questions you have ever heard off of the short bus on a fairly regular basis. I laugh at lewd jokes, and *gasps* I fart! I poop and pee, too...and I am well aware that most organisms on this planet do. I don't know how to put on makeup properly, nor do I care all that much. For the most part, I brush my hair and walk away. If I'm feeling extra fancy, I'll put it up in a ponytail. That's about all I know how to do. I harbor no illusions that I'll ever be anywhere fancy enough to need anything better. I own three pairs of shoes; a pair of sandals, a pair of (worn) tennis shoes, and a pair of boots. The newest of these is the pair of tennis shoes with holes in the soles. I wear t-shirts and jeans all the time, and I am frugal about my clothing. I don't care about fashion. I want to go to the movies and see I Am Legend, Hitman, and The Omen. I neither have seen, nor have the urge to see "The Notebook" or any of it's ilk. Why would someone want to even hang out with me, let alone date me, hug me, kiss me, marry me? Honestly? *sigh* Wewt for a lifetime of loneliness. I'll just go over here and snuggle with my puppy dog :) Cat lady, anyone?