Guilt and Beginnings

It started days ago. It started this morning. It started one year, many years ago. The point is, it started.

Today I awoke bright and early at the strike of nine, staring at the gloomy sliver of sky I can see through my bedroom window from beneath covers weighing me to the mattress so lovingly situated directly on the carpeted floor. I woke, albeit sore and worried, with a certain hope for the day. Today was Christmas shopping day. Today might be all right. I rolled out of bed (eventually) and stumbled dizzily to the living room, flipping open my laptop and attacking my normal morning internet routine with fervor.

There were comics and e-mails to check. There was stuff to be done before I had to leave and begin hunting for Christmas goodies. Lo and behold, my kangaroo, my Popeye, my favorite person, was online. The conversation began innocently, as usual. Things were entertaining. I even got him to agree to allow me to buy and send him a Christmas present, as we talked and joked. As usual. But, as usual, there was a slightly sober tone this morning. As usual, the conversation turned sour suddenly. The conversation is long, and quite painful, so I'll skip over the majority of it and just touch on the juicy morsels.

"I should go to bed before I start bitching at you" he proclaimed, after a short conversation about my pouting, and emotions that should be left unstirred. I apologized, as I am wont to do, and he replied "It isn't your fault I can't talk to you without getting upset." Of course I, like a moron, didn't leave it alone and responded with "Would you rather stop talking to me?" I meant it honestly, I really did. There wasn't anything sarcastic about it. He replied with a clear no, and I went on to ask if I could help, if I could make it better. He continued with no, and "Just keep doing whatever it is that you do. I'll be fine." I must admit, I was just slightly hurt by this statement, but I ignored that, and simply told him that I couldn't just not worry about it. His response? "Bleh, I'm turning into (TYOB)"

I was confused, completely blown out of the water by the statement. Aside from the surprise at the suddenness of it, guilt returned to gnaw at me like ravenous ticks, and the slow burn returned to my chest. He went on to tell me that Chris was obsessed with me, that, regardless of how much we talk, he rarely goes by a moment without thinking about me, and that the only way he knows is because he's the same way. Which, of course, stabbed at my heart. Not only am I still hurting people by being here, but I'm hurting my best friend...still.

He then brings up my...well, at the time, my current boyfriend. I hadn't told him we were dating, simply because I knew he'd be upset, and I knew he'd worry over nothing. He, of course, found out, and goes on to tell me that I'm scaring him, and that I'm going to get myself killed. We have a tussle over lies.

He tells me that I'm slowly destroying myself. He says that I've changed a lot in the past year, and that I haven't changed for the better. Woah, low blow, eh? I want to make excuses. I want to scream and yell about how hard life's been, about how many new things I've had to deal with, about how every day is sheer terror attacking me, every time I walk through the front door. But, plain and simple, he is right. I have changed, and not in a good way.

It ends, long story cut very short, with this:

You've spent hours telling me that I'm a moron, basically, and talking about how much I'm hurting you, and everyone around me. And you're mad at me because I'm done listening to it? It's pointless. It's going nowhere and, quite frankly, it hurts like hell. I'm taking your advice. I'm done talking to (my ex). But I don't see how sitting here and listening to you drip poison in my ear is helpful. And you're not there, are you? You logged out. *sigh* Bye

And later:

Don't be worried; I'm not dead. The thing with Jon went beautifully, we barely said a word between the two of us. But I'm taking a break from the internets, and I'll probably not be online for a while. You're right. I'm sorry.

I dumped my boyfriend, but not solely because of this situation. I've had a similar conversation with my mother about him. He's dangerous, he's a liar, he's far too violent for me, and he raped me. He just isn't right for me. I was really only with him because I knew I could keep him at arm's length. The last boyfriend left me in tears, tattered and broken without him. I refuse to be that again.

So, this is my "break from the internets." Have to love that, don't you? Regardless, as much as it hurts to face it, he is right. So, I am making a resolution, the new year is quickly approaching, and I will change to meet it.

1) I will stop this self-sabotaging guilt and self-esteem issue. There will be no more "I'm not doing it because it might go wrong." If I don't try, I won't get anywhere.

2) I will make a conscious effort to be more involved with my family. When everyone else has abandoned me, they will be there for me, and so I should be there for them.

3) I will make a more conscious effort to spend time with those who want to spend time with me. This does not mean dating, this does not mean making deep lasting connections. Please do not misunderstand. But I will make friends.

4) I will be a better person. I will save the money I make for school. I will volunteer my time with charities, instead of sitting on my behind all the time.

I do not need anyone.

Fork Me With a Spoon

So...guess what? It's Thanksgiving! Or, well, it WAS Thanksgiving today. Which means everyone sat around with families, blood or otherwise, and ate copious amounts of food for no good reason, and then gave copious amounts of thanks for the amazing things in their life. Right? Of COURSE! And afterward everyone farted strawberries and shat rainbows and glitter. Life is amazing like that.

Honestly, who among us has a non-dysfunctional family? Let he who is without sin...

Actually, though, my Thanksgiving ended up being pretty awesome, comparatively speaking. My family got along; we sat around all day watching TV and movies together, eating, and making fun of nearly everything that danced across the plasma screen. Yes, we have a massive plasma screen TV now. I'm sure it has nothing to do with our stunning goodwill toward each other. We didn't, however, make it to my grandparents' house, unfortunately. We'll be there soon, though. I miss them terribly.

There are other issues, though, that factor in to my general feeling of malaise this evening. I have even sat down and cried, fighting against the urge to snatch the silver Swiss Army Knife as my temporary salvation from pressure and frustration, as is my tried-and-true method of control. I don't deal well with pressure, it seems. I am a weakling.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, spent Thanksgiving at his friends' house. The friends that don't like me, as well they shouldn't. I'm not exactly good enough for him. But I digress, he spent his entire Thanksgiving over there, and is still there, because his dear sweet uncle showed up at his house for Thanksgiving dinner. I have problems with his uncle, just as he does. Though I've never met the man, he seems rather...nasty. Just today, he dislocated the boyfriend's shoulder. For no other reason than he was capable. So, I surely can't blame Jon for wanting to spend more time at his friends' house, the very same friends who saved him from a far worse beating from his semi-evil uncle.

However, I looked forward to the evening phone call with him the entire day long, as the frustration and the pain grew. It finally topped off when my license-less father informed me that he would, in fact, be driving himself to work tomorrow. That it would be FINE, that it was his life, and that any repercussions he would receive upon being caught were "not that bad." I know, I'm freaking out for no reason. He is an adult. But he could also go to jail, or lose his license for life. Call me crazy, but I really don't want to cart my father around forever. A year is plenty of time for such stress. But bah, it is not as if I'll ever leave this place; my life here seems set in stone because I will do nothing whatsoever to change it. Regardless, the "evening phone call" was the length of time it took for my boyfriend to get from his friends' apartment to his own. Which is, approximately, nine minutes. Most of it consisted of him reassuring me that he was never going to dump me, but that he'd accept my verdict if I decided that it was "game over." Because of my retardation last night. But we won't get into that.

I am a self-sabotaging moron.

On Lemons

I'm pretty sure most of us have heard the old adage "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade", right? A simple mantra touted by the "silver lining"-ists, the optimists of this world, quoted and re-quoted until it means absolutely nothing important, to remind humanity in general to "keep it positive." Great, fantastic, wonderful; a wondrous message of hope in the dreary hum-drum of the world.

Now we take someone like me; when life gives me lemons, I eat 'em. And I like it. Or, at least, I do my very best to enjoy the sour along with the sweet. I don't try to make a bad situation better. I wallow in the bad situation, because I know that it could always be worse. That it will always be worse. I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist; I do believe in life in general. I believe things work out, eventually, if you're patient enough. I believe there's good in every situation, be it good intention or good outcome, through learning or otherwise. But I also know, from personal experience, that there will always be something else waiting around the corner. There's always another rush of issues, another avalanche of drama, if you will. Plus, I like lemons. The real fruit, not the philosophical one.

Now what happens when life gives you lemonade? An optimist would, of course, take the lemonade as a sign that things really are good. They would drink up without question. Right? But someone like me? No, I take the lemonade and commence searching for lemons. If none appear, I make said lemons up. Yes, imaginary philosophical lemons. Does it get any more redundant than that? Bear with me.

What I'm saying here, in a roundabout way, is that I sabotage myself and my happiness because I'm too busy looking for the drama, looking for the issues. I'm too busy looking for the heartbreak. There always is some, of course. For the most part, however, it is for one reason and one reason alone; I make it so. So these imaginary philosophical lemons become real philosophical lemons.

I'm sure by this point you're wondering what relevance, if any, this has to anything. Trust me, my dear sweet non-existent reader. There is a reason for this. My lemon-searching seems to have dissipated in one instance. I have this boyfriend, you see. For once in my life, I am happy with something, with someone, and I am not looking for the issues. I am not anticipating hurdles. I am happy where I am, and I am not looking for a reason to go anywhere else. I find myself taking the situation as it comes, and dealing with it. I'm not consistently terrified by the idea that perhaps, someday, he will realize I am not worth it.

I am content here. Lemons or no lemons.

For once, I am not afraid.

Dizzy

Last week was...something. Something strange and alien, and yet familiar. I'm heading to the middle this week reeling; dizzy from the uncertainty, confusion, and fear. Guilt gnaws at me and nerves choke me.

Let us start with the good news. Or the semi-good news. I have acquired my driver's license with my first try of the test every. Because I am awesome, and had an awesome instructor tester guy thingy. Maneuverability was a bitch, but I got through it and am now fully able to drive by myself. I don't drive well, but I do drive. Oh it is fun! I love driving, as nerve-racking as it is.

My brother stabbed himself in the arm the other day. He had a fairly deep wound. It was gushing blood, from what I hear. My youngest brother says that the older one passed out for a second on the back porch. His friend bandaged him up, his girlfriend and friends knew about it. He told them. But he refused to tell us. He told me that he had been "bitten by [the next door neighbors'] fucking dog." I figured that it had quit bleeding, so I should just let it go, but I honestly could tell he was lying. Later that day we found out about it, and he was taken to the hospital to get stitches. My mom was going to throw him into an institution, and was yelling at him and calling him names and saying that she "didn't know [him] anymore" from what I hear. However, that was a secondary source. My dad told me that my brother had said that was what happened. However, my brother could easily have lied to cover his own arse.

My brother blabbed to his counselor about my mother yelling at him, and our caseworker was sent out again. From what it seems, she has not decided my mother is unfit, and my brother did some covering up. You see, my mom caved yesterday and allowed him to see his girlfriend, even though he wasn't supposed to. She had forbidden it. I think she was sucking up to him so that he wouldn't tell on her to the caseworker.

I hope he doesn't get upset and take it further because of the lack of help he's getting.

There are two guys who are fighting over me right now. It is an odd feeling. The one I met the day we moved in, and he decided then that he liked me. I don't like him, though; not in that way. He is mentally unstable and violent, on top of being in trouble with the law. Frankly, I've had enough trouble with the law. I don't need any more. I don't mind being his friend. I like being his friend, he's fun to be around, but he is not right for me.

Well, this other guy I met just a couple weeks before my ex dumped me. He is a liar; he has a thousand fish stories. He has been jailed on rape charges, though he was cleared through DNA testing, and has been accused unofficially by an ex girlfriend. I hope that it's just circumstance. He and I get along fairly well; we can debate for hours, and it's tons of fun. He's sweet. But, he is also violent. He is highly competitive, also, which makes me wonder if I'm nothing more than a trophy to both of them.

On top of this, the first guy is upset at me now. Things have been going well with guy number two, though I don't know that I really like him as much as he likes me. The first guy is upset because he thinks that I'm being unfair. He told me last night that he thinks I like playing with people's heads. I can see how he would say that. However, it kind of bothers me. I know he's just upset, and I shouldn't listen. Instead, though, I'm thinking that I just should extricate myself from the situation. It's not really worth it to me for them to be fighting over me. I don't want to wedge myself in between them, and I don't want to hurt anyone more than I have to. I just need to tell guy number two no. Even though I don't want to.

Confusion and frustration.

Nerves

My ex-boyfriend came and got all of his junk the other day. Nobody but my brother saw him. He said that he almost went out there, but decided against it. I have a feeling that my brother was helping the ex get the stuff into the truck. He learned the last time to be supportive and pissed off, but only when we're looking. Because Mom had a conniption last time due to the fact that my brother still wanted to be friends with the douche, and was still on his side of the situation. What can I say, right? He prefers his friends to his family. Who could blame him? Most certainly not me.

It is my youngest brother's birthday today. I find it terrifying that he is almost a teenager. My baby brother, who I've always thought of as...well, a baby for lack of a better term, is now almost to the teen stage. I can only imagine what my parents feel like. Or my grandparents. Their youngest grandchild is nearly of an age that he could be reproducing, and in many cultures would be undergoing the rites of adulthood. He would be preparing for marriage. On top of this, their first great grandchild is quickly nearing his first birthday. I hope that they live to see many more of the next generation.

One of the women at work has decided that she is going to help me find a new boyfriend. Immediately, of course, because that's what I need in my life right now. So, if any guy that is even remotely close to my age (read: within fifteen years), there she is behind me, whispering in my ear as covertly as possible and nudging my back until I stumble forward and ask if he needs any help with anything. Well, there just happens to be this one guy...a wonderful way to start a story, no? Anyway, he came in the other day dressed in his work clothes, no doubt, though I have no idea where it is that he works. He was in the store for a total of maybe twenty minutes absolute tops. He seemed to know exactly what he was looking for; he made a bee-line for the Ohio State stuff, snatched up a keychain, paid, and left. Well, for twenty or thirty minutes afterward, this co-worker of mine and I argued about whether or not he was ogling me. So I finally just said that, if the guy came in again (he didn't look at all like someone who'd come into this shop, though I have seen him before), she would win. Well, last night, surprise surprise, he came in again. This time, though, with some girl who seemed to be his girlfriend. But, I still have to tell the co-worker that she won. As he left, I looked at him and smiled really big and said "G'bye, have a great evening." He smiled back, and we locked eyes. Of course, my heart went a-flutter. He has very dark eyes, black hair, and dimples. The dimples are adorable. So, I must say, I have developed a small crush based solely on looks for the first time...no, for the second time in my life. For I am an evil human being. I know it's wrong. But the dimples are so cute! I'd love for him to come back in some time so that I might be able to talk to him, even though he doesn't look at all like someone who I'd like. Though, I shouldn't even want to talk to him. He has a girlfriend, it seems, and I don't want to be a man-stealer person. That's just wrong. We'll just see how it works out, I suppose. But I thought it was funny, personally.

Isn't it hilarious how quickly I digress into nearly normal teenaged dialogue? It's...incoherent, and disgusting. And yet, it's natural.

Useless

So here I sit, after just over a month of relationship goodies. Alone. Again. I feel useless and unwanted, again. It hurts to be told you're not worth it. The fact that I'm not worth his time, or his effort bothers me. Yet, at the same time, I find myself strangely unaffected. I am both disturbed by this, and unsurprised. I have been expecting this for a long while.

It started today with a call to work while I was at Taco Bell getting food. He talked to Brenda, just calling to notify me that he couldn't pick me up after work today. Fantastic, right? I was upset at his unreliability, but mostly fine. When I got home, my mom informed me that he had taken all of his stuff today. All of it. Except, of course, his bed, his television, his fan, etc. So he still has to come back with his parents' truck. I told him when he brought the bed that, when he dumped me, I was keeping the bed. I'll give it back, of course. But I wish I had the balls to keep it.

He says it's because he is stressed with child support payments and school, so he can't be in a relationship. Of course, while mentioning that he found out that Popeye and I were dating less than a month ago...which is a lie. But, y'know, whatever. So I am psycho girlfriend once again.

I'll miss the snuggles, I'll miss the kisses...I'll miss him. Because I do love him, even if the feeling isn't reciprocated.

Part of me is scared that I'll have no other chances. Yet, part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with his baby-ish-ness anymore. I don't have to take care of spiders, or pay for food and gas, or even worry about how he's doing. But I will worry. I will obsess. Because I am a creepy stalker chick.

I find myself wondering why I am so useless. Why am I so hard to get along with? What is so wrong with me that I can't get a boyfriend in real life who's not a complete loser by others' standards. He is the only real-life boyfriend I have ever had, to be honest. Yet, he doesn't have a job, he's annoying, he's a pussy, he's a scaredy cat. But he smirks and I melt. I love him. That will never change. Gah, I hate being a girl.

And the Verdict Is In: April Showers Bring May Showers

It has been a while since I've been here. A lot has happened since then, as it should in any normal person's life. However, the circumstances around the "a lot" are far from normal, methinks. It has been crazy, and I find myself alone in all of this. In a way, though, I've found more friends through all of this than I ever knew. It is a strange situation. Let me start at the beginning, perhaps?

It was about a month ago, I suppose, just after the last blog post, that my father and my brother were fighting. My brother's girlfriend had dumped him, and he wanted to go hang out with friends. My father wouldn't let him go. My brother decided to sneak out while Dad was asleep. So, understandably, Dad got angry. However, the situation escalated as Dad yelled and my brother talked back. Dad eventually screamed something to the effect of "why are you acting like this," as if it was my brother who was the issue. See, we usually just shut up and let him talk. You can't really get a word in edgewise, and if you do it's insubordination if he hasn't asked you a direct question. Regardless, so my brother, who had been told that he and Dad could go for a drive at any time to talk about things that my brother didn't want us to hear, basically told Dad that he wanted to go for a drive to talk about it. Well, Dad was under the impression that he was "stealing the car," or so he claims. So, Dad went out there and ripped Scott out of the car, slammed him into the Probe next to it, and tossed him on the ground, and then began to yell at him. Suffice to say, it was a pretty nasty situation.

Well, a couple days later word got around to my aunt, who called from North Carolina to report the situation. So, rap rap rap on the door came Detective Overly and another officer, our "uncle." We went and reported the situation, figuring that we had no choice but to go down to the station. My brother and I were there for eight hours total, because he supposedly had to go back to the hospital to have an approved examination. But wait, we don't have to go. Oh wait, yes we do, with Overly herself. Wait, no, yes. We got the run around the entire day, nobody could tell us anything or give us a straight answer about anything. Mom and my youngest brother left earlier because they didn't have to be there, but I didn't want my brother to be there alone. Regardless, so that sucked. Then, they put him in jail overnight. There was a bond hearing and stuff, but that's unimportant. Just frustrating, and painful for my grampa.

My mom has been back and forth to court over the past few weeks, for this one, and for a CPS case that was opened because Dad went off half-cocked and told them that she was unfit to care for us because he was convinced that she had called the police and gotten him in jail. She was going to the day before, but didn't end up doing so because he agreed to do anger management counseling, though he never did go. However, our attorney for the CPS case (us being the kids) said that the case there is silly, and he is recommending it closed. He is really nice, and seems to want to help us, and to look out for our interests, not those of the court system. Which is odd, because my dad's attorney doesn't seem to want what's best for us. No, he seems to think that we're the bad guy in all of this, and he's a complete ass to us. As were the police, really, or at least the ones involved with the case. The rest of them were really kind to us, and they fed us and bought us drinks and stuff while we were there, which was wonderful.

Today we had to go into court early and stayed until about five o'clock. Which was insanely annoying. We could have been out of there earlier, but Dad wouldn't take a plea deal. Here's how it went. We arrived early, and waited. Then, the prosecutor came to us at about noon and said that he was offering a plea to Dad to try to keep the kids off the stand, because he really hates putting kids on the stand, where he would force Dad into probation and make him go to anger management, and a parenting class. However, this plea means that he'd plead guilty to Disorderly Conduct. Instead, he rejected the plea, going up against Domestic Violence and Assault, which could land him in jail for up to a year, and putting us on the stand. All to keep Disorderly Conduct off his record. Which was absolutely retarded, though he claimed he had been lied to. Disorderly Conduct, which, by the way, is a level four misdemeanor; it is the same charge as urinating in public. Regardless, so he declined this, which would have allowed us to leave at one thirty or two o'clock. Instead he risked putting us on the stand and had us waiting for another three hours. However, the prosecutor, who is supposed to be trying to convict him, which is why this surprised me so much, offered another plea deal where he'd dismiss the charges if Dad goes to counseling and stuffs, like before. He said that, though he wasn't comfortable with the charges being dropped, he really didn't want to put us on the stand. That man is an angel! I am so thankful to him for it. Dad did take that plea deal, but only because Mom was mad at him I am sure. Mom is crying divorce, sorta, though I am not sure that she'll go through with it.

Also, my boyfriend dumped me. First, he whined that it was because I didn't have time for him. Next, he told me that he never really meant it, and that it was for me, because I didn't have to deal with his stuff anymore. Which I still do. He just made it harder for me because I know I can't trust him. Silly bones can't make up his mind. I'm still getting whined at for that, and for TYOB, too, now. It's stressful, to say the least.

But! I have a job now, which, though stressful (I don't want to go tomorrow!), I do like. Though I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail out of school, which is not good at all. Regardless, I'm gonna shut up now. Bye!

Shoes

So my sweet-ass kangaroo and I are having a bit of an issue. I'm honestly not sure that he's still mine...and that scares me. Craparoni. Wanna know what the worst part is? It's my own damn fault! Again! Hmph to me and my God-be-damned girliness. I try to resist...honest I do! But it's like a high powered uber magnet held in the hand of a two year old, and I am but a paper clip, being slammed repeatedly until I stick.

Didja like that? I did.

Seriously, though...yesterday morning I was having a delightful conversation with the 'roo, and it eventually gets around to something about the suckage of a long distance relationship and not believing that I love him. I rolled my eyes and tried to reassure him...but I honestly wasn't trying very hard. I was frustrated, and I was tired, and I was menstrual, and really didn't want to reassure him. Regardless of the fact that he's always there to reassure me when I really need it.

We got into a conversation about self esteem. He pointed out that his self esteem was so low that he couldn't believe someone would care as much about him. This statement was closely followed by a short description of my issue; I had misplaced what I felt as love. I did care, he believed that, but it's not the same thing as love, and I just didn't see that. Ow? Yeah, uber ow. Not only are my feelings not real, but I'm just too stupid to even realize it!

However, rather than seeing this as him just being emo, for lack of a better term, and understanding that...hell, rather than just saying that it hurt and moving on...I got all hurt, and offended, and basically ended up dumping him. I told him that I did love him, but that if he couldn't believe me we needed to just be friends until he could.

I want him to be honest with me...but man was that a blow...ooooh, it still smarts!

Suddenly, of course, he has an epiphany. Without being able to explain it, he suddenly believes that I love him. Wait, what? This doesn't solve the problem. Not only is he lying...but now he's going to continue to lie to me. Fantastic. Pat on the back, Liv, you're just amazing. Good show.

So, I say g'night, and take off for the day. I go to bed feeling guilty, and wanting nothing but to tackle him with hugs and kisses and apologize. I resolve to apologize tomorrow. My pride is shot, what is there to get in the way?

Hah...hahahaha....hahahahahaha!

Fast forward to the next morning...I get up, and suddenly I don't want to talk to him. I'm tired, I just want to go back to bed. But I get online anyway. I've got to apologize, right? On top of that, I'm going to regret not getting online later.

I'm greeted with apologies from him...he's sorry he was so emo, and he loves me, and he's so very sorry, and he loves me. He doesn't understand why he acts the way he did last night, it only frustrates me and then I get upset and leave. Great. So now I feel even more terrible for my behavior. What to do? Apologize, right?

Hah, wrong again! Noooo! I go all cold and "I don't know what to tell you" and shit. There's no acceptance of apologies, not even an "It's good to see you, baby, I love you!" No. It's silence, and words full of ice and venom. What the HELL is my MALFUNCTION?! What did I want him to say? What did I want him to do? He was apologizing for nothing. I couldn't even squeeze out a measly "Sorry..." or "Whoops, my bad..." or even "G'morning." All he got was "I don't know what to tell you." What would you do?

I talked to him a little bit just a couple hours ago. He was kind of on his way out the door to get a computer, so that could be the reason for this...but I doubt it. I couldn't bring myself to ask if everything was okay, or if he was mad, or say I'm sorry. All I could do was joke and giggle about the computer he was getting. I did manage to say "I love you" a couple times...but there was nothing in response. Have I totally fucked up now? I'm honestly confused as to what we are. I'm hoping he gets online after he sets his new shiny up...but I'm not sure he will. I'm not exactly sure that he really wants to talk to me.

I don't know that I blame, him, either. I mean, c'mon, with the way I've behaved...what would YOU do? I wouldn't blame him if he decided that I most certainly am not worth any moment of his time. He'll take his soul back...and then where will I be? I've not felt this way about anyway...and I've never wanted anything this much in my entire life. I've never even considered leaving central Ohio...and yet, if he asked, and I was able, I'd leave tomorrow. Not without regrets, of course...I love my family. But I would do it. Because I love him.

So why do I insist on acting like such a bitch? I try to hard to be indifferent. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. I'm afraid he's going to decide he doesn't like me anymore...I'm afraid that if I'm too overbearing he won't want to be with me. If I'm too clingy. Augh...I hate myself so much! Why can't I just chill out?

*sigh* I'm afraid I've yanked the other shoe down.

This is the Stuff of Dreams

Let me see...let me see...what is new? Hm. Well, most recently TQ's mom is on the lam. Apparently she molested another girl I know. A fourteen year old. She's forty-one. Eeeewwww. According to the new reports, she's done this before. Multiple times. There were suggestive photos on the computer they confiscated when the SWAT was over there that were "sexual role-play," apparently, involving minors. It makes me wonder what the content of the photos is. There are sexually suggestive pictures on TQ's Myspace that she took herself...and there are ones that her mom took. But they're mostly normal teenager pictures. I don't think that's what the police are all worried about.

This past week has been absolutely crazy! St. Patrick's Day, two birthdays, and Easter. Cool Bro got a drum kit for his birthday ^_^ He's been wailing on it ever since. Broken...three sets of drumsticks? Including the Rock Band drumsticks that he wasn't supposed to be using. Though, in his defense, I think it's mostly Fat Boy breaking 'em. He hits those drums hard. Oh, yeah, he's started coming over again...by coincidence...after Cool Bro gets his drums. Go figure. My mum, too, got a big gift. She got a laptop! Insane, right? It turns out, though, that all of a sudden the "bank didn't cash the checks"...so we're out of money and can't buy groceries. Yeah, my dad thinks that works. I think not. I think that he spent too much money on gifts and now we're broke and he won't admit it. Though he claims he got a promotion. Yippee!

Popeye and I are still together...wewt! We've passed two months with ease. The issues we've had haven't been big ones at all. There hasn't really been a fight yet, though there have been hurt feelings and...I hesitate to call them arguments. Debates, perhaps? Though I'm awfully sure that offline they'd have been yelling matches...I still don't count them as arguments. Though there have been more disagreements in this relationship than in any other I've had, I must admit. The past two relationships were with a guy who never said anything to disagree with me, and a guy who I always deferred to when talking about anything. He was always right. Before that...well, it usually didn't last long enough, and even if it did, it was a matter of me always being non confrontational as possible. So, regardless, there have been disagreements...but I honestly have never felt this way about anyone before.

I love him so much!

Sweet as a Lemon

So I recently re-heard "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" by Lemon Demon...and have fallen in love all over again. This time, though, I've gone and looked up some of their other stuff. I've discovered that they're really quite awesome. I've been doing that a lot lately, exploring music. I've discovered quite a few bands that are really quite awesome, despite off-the-beaten-path. Or from another country. The Bloodhound Gang, Scared Weird Little Guys, Bodyjar, Garbage...and I've heard a lot more from bands I'd already known. ^_^ It's pretty awesome. I'm also 99% sure it's Popeye's doing ^_^

I've also seen a ton of movies recently. Which is odd; I've never been a movie buff. But meh. I've a new favorite movie: Hot Fuzz. Absolutely amazing ^_^ Action-y, and hilarious...and just cool!

And the past couple days have been Dungeons and Dragons amazing ^_^ Augh, I am such a dork! But it's so fun. So it's cool.

We got a record-breaking snow this weekend. Twenty inches in one day! It's been amazing; I've never seen this much snow in one place. I've got a couple wintry awesome stories to tell any little gremlins I have...should I choose to and have the opportunity.

Part of me worries that I'll never get that chance. I can only seem to hold a steady relationship online. This would make it difficult to have a family, would it not? I'm just not cut out for the real life thing ^_^ We'll just see how it goes. I can't really predict my life before it happens, can I? Who knows, perhaps I'll just be awesome and find someone in real life. Or Popeye and I will actually be together. Either way ^_^

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Wow, so the past few days have been absolutely astounding. Yes, I am awe-struck. However, as evidenced by the title of this post, this awe-stricken-ness defies the positive connotation that is there. No, I am awe-struck at the frustration.

Let me first note that I am, in fact, menstrual. As much as I hate to admit it, this probably has quite a bit to do with my cheerleader-esque outlook on life at the moment. Not only is it hormonal, but it is the worst period I've had yet. I am literally sitting in puddles of blood most of the time. I have blood running down my leg on a regular basis. Even the most absorbent maxi-pads that exist are not enough to control this one. Every time I sit down, the dried blood on my ass cracks, and pulls every God-be-damned hair I have in the region. It's not just in the canyon, but on the sides overlooking as well.

No, details were neither necessary nor asked for. But I just thought you should know.

Waking up to a wet bed every morning, despite the fact that I could've sworn I was over it by the time I was five (Jesus loves me, this I know...), means shower first thing. It's like I'm being reborn every morning! I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm bloody, and I'm so very angry. Good morning world! Here I come!

So, I wake my brother, quickly wash up, and wait for him to get his lazy ass out of bed. This is usually at least twenty minutes. Fantastic. On two or three hours of sleep, because I've been up late the evenings prior, I wait, I help, I smile and giggle and try to make his day a little cheerier. He responds with gruff grunts, and bitching. But, I don't have to walk to school, so I ignore this.

A note on the evenings before; though Popeye is amazing, he frustrates the fuck out of me. I say "I have to go" because it's, oh yes, 4 am, and he bitches. He whines. He does anything he can to get me to stay. He knows that I can't leave if he's saying something. I'm OCD like that. He uses that to his advantage. Then, he immediately follows this up with "Yes I am stalling." and "I always feel so guilty when you stay up late to talk to me." This, of course, is every night. Fantastic. If you feel guilty, let me go to sleep after our four hour conversation, hm? BAH!

Anywho, back to the morning. So, on two hours of sleep, I try desperately to get schoolwork done. This is made easier when I'm not dizzy every God damn time I try to stand the fuck up, and sitting in a squishy puddle every time I'm seated. I can't wait until my ass finally gets its chapping this time. It's going to be awesome.

Suffice to say, I usually end up going to bed for a few hours. Until about noon. When I wake up, with a delightfully splitting headache now, along with the consistent cramps, I finish my schoolwork, and begin cleaning the house...as every day. Alone. Again. If I don't, school-boy bitches because he thinks it's easy for the assholes who sit on their asses all day to clean. He doesn't want to have to lift a fucking finger. Y'know what? He chose to go back to public school. Nobody made him. And he has been given many chances to choose to come back home. He wants to go to school to play with his friends, and then come home and not have to do anything. He doesn't do his homework, he goes and plays with friends, and he texts, and he bitches.

Today, he apparently talked to Mom about going to a friend's house. I texted him four times asking where he was. As usual, he ignored my texts. When he finally gets home, after I found out where he was because Dad called him, I giggled and said "Y'know, some day you may want to answer a text of mine." I wasn't being bitchy. I was just making a joke about it. The only reason I said anything was because Dad suggested it. I told him that my brother would get mad. But I mentioned it anyway. And, guess what? He got mad. "You sent me the message AFTER Dad called." he snapped. I told him that I'd sent about four, and he snapped "No you didn't. You sent me one!", now exasperated, his voice rising in volume. I just said "Okay." and walked away.

Later, we were playing Guitar Hero. I was listening to a song, and said that I was going to play that song after I was done listening to it. So my youngest brother ran to turn the game on, and play a song before me. The middle one wanders out from the dining room and "calls" the turn after the song...silently. So, I go to play, and he goes "I called it!" and rushes and takes the guitar. Okay, whatever, right? So then, he finishes his song and rushes over to the computer, all excited. He told my brother and I to turn off the TV, which we did with some argument, and then started playing this song. "That's Taking Back Sunday!" he proclaimed, all proud. My youngest brother and I had both heard it, and we smiled and said, yeah. So he gets all pissed off and goes "Fuck you guys!", puts the headphones in, and ignores us for the next half hour.

Then, after he's left to hang out with friends, he comes back and goes to do his homework. Obviously he's upset that I don't give up the laptop the moment he walks in the door. But, hey, I was in the middle of something. We've another computer that works perfectly well. We were doing something together, and he got a call and ignored me, as usual, and then left. Go figure. I've never done that. That's probably why I never leave the house, of course. I put time with my family before time with my friends. But meh. Regardless, so I was busy with the laptop. As he walked out of the room, I offered my help with homework. He responds with a reluctant mumble "Uhm, I think so, maybe." Does that sound like a yes to you? Because when I came to him later and asked again, he got all pissed and said "Well not now. But yeah, that would've been nice." I returned with "You didn't ask for help." and his response was "You asked and I said YES!"...with more cussing. I threw up my hands and left the room, speechless. I wanted to scream. So his response was to slam something or other and throw shit around the room as he stormed off, screaming about everyone being bitches, and how my youngest brother and I were in a horrible mood and he had no idea why. My youngest brother goes to be a part of the conversation with Dad, and Dad tells him to leave. So he does, after a bit of a fight (for which Dad got angry).

However, when my youngest brother went in to complain about school-boy's terrible mood, school-boy keeps getting up and going in there. Of course Dad doesn't kick him out. Then, something was said, and school-boy flips right the fuck out. He starts screaming about how he wants to kick my youngest brother's ass, to punch his face in, because he's such a "prissy little bitch"...which is definitely a delightful thing to say. He storms off when Dad tells him to quit, and screams about how everybody...well, not Dad...is making fun of him and being an asshole to him and he's just stressed because of OGTs and everyone's just pissing in his Wheaties. I have not said a word this entire time, while he's telling me that I'm freaking out. He's saying that he can't talk about it with anyone right now because he's going to hit someone, which ends up shutting people up, of course, but he does not stop talking about it, does he? That usually means you stop talking about it, too, doesn't it? So I leave the room again, frustrated at words being put in my mouth. He screams "FUCK YOU!" after me.

Dad then laughs when I don't want to talk about it, while he's telling everybody that school-boy is just stressed and just because he's being mean doesn't mean we have to be. Great, so we just take shit? And again, I've said nothing. Finally, I end up pointing this out, and say that, regardless of stress and depression level, school-boy's behavior is not really justified. I've been stressed and depressed for weeks, and I've not been mean to anybody. I've shut up and done what I needed to do.

I've not complained about my period, or about my frustrations, or about the fact that my family is spiraling out of control again and nobody's doing anything about it, or the fact that I want to cut so badly again that it hurts, or the fact that I don't know if I can handle the online relationship thing with someone I'm so attached to, or the fact that I want to kill myself again.

I finally mentioned my period to my parents a bit ago. They said that they'll get school-boy up tomorrow morning, and I should just sleep.

There's nobody I can tell about the other stuff.

Nobody'd understand.

Everyone would be mad.

What happened to my awesome "keep everyone at arm's length" attitude, huh?

I used to be so good at it!

To Be Loved

My delightful Aussie and I had a bit of an argument last night. If you can even call it that. Things were fine, we weren't talking about anything important. But suddenly, BAM, right into our laps drops this rather large topic. Trust.

This is not the usual trust argument. Obviously. This is ME we're talking about. I had made a comment about needing to go to bed soon. He asked why, and I replied with a statement on the lack of sleep I have received over the past couple days. I'd slept four hours over the past two days; not exactly a comfortable place to be, for sure. He asked why I had so little sleep, and when I said I wasn't sure, he wondered aloud if it was his fault. "It probably does have something to do with missing you." I said, "But most likely, it more has to do with the fact that my parents are drawing ever closer to the situation that prompted Dad to leave last year, and I have no outlets."

Of course, his response was "Talk to me." Now, as wonderful as this is, I argued that he was the one thing that made me forget, and thus I did not want to talk to him about the situation because I honestly didn't want to think about it, and I didn't want him to worry about it. There was more argument, and it dissolved into "I don't want to lose you." and similar statements. He said that I never would, he promised me that he would never leave. He always keeps his promises, he says. I, of course, lashed out with "'You're not the person I fell in love with'...see, you kept your promise. I changed. Right?", which offended him.

"Don't you trust me?" he asked. "If you don't believe me, you might as well end it right here." he said. I finally said that I couldn't even if I wanted to, which I think satiated him, because he went on to "You don't have to be alone anymore." and argued that he wanted to help me.

At this point, I blew up. I told him that there wasn't a damn thing anybody could do to help me, and I went through a rather long rant about some things that have been bothering me for quite a while. Things that I had told nobody about. I went through some of the most awful things I had ever done. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted him to go ahead and be scared of me, to hurry up and freak out. Just like most everyone else. I told him there was no way he could possibly even believe what I had said, nobody did. I was on the verge of tears. Why does this boy stir up the tears?

After my spiel was over, there was a long pause. I stared at the computer screen, awaiting and dreading the inevitable response. My heart was pounding and burning in my chest, my breath coming in agitated gasps, and tears burned my eyes. I waited for what seemed an eternity. His response was three simple messages that struck me to the core.

I believe you.
I trust you.
I love you.

I stared for quite a while, dumbfounded. I believe you, he said. Someone believed me. He knows more about me than TYOB ever did, and he believes me. And he still wants me. I'll let that sink in for a moment. Though I'm sure some can sympathize, none of you have any idea what that means to me. I am still reeling from the conversation. I feel truly blessed.

Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There once was a girl who read limericks.

I found a delightful little website started by the writer of one of my favorite webcomics, xkcd. I've been reading all day. It's fun ^_^ Some are awkward, some are dumb, but most are fun ^_^ I've the beat running through my head now, but I'll not try to write one. I'm no poet, and I'll not mar that facet of writing again ^_~ But go read other people's awesome limericks, anyway ^_^

"But I'm still scared"

Saturday was an odd day to say the least. I did not end up spending the day alone, but with a large group of people. I went over to this girl's house, FB's (Fat Boy's) "girlfriend", but not the one that Cool Bro liked. That probably makes no sense to you. Regardless, she lives next door. We'll call her Teen Queen, or TQ for short. There were a couple other people there, TQ's "baby mamma", and this girl's friend who was out of jail for the day. Which was interesting to say the least. And The French One (TFO), of course, who is just awesome. I felt so bad, though, TFO got picked on a bit because he's still a virgin. I should have stood up and said something, but I didn't. I was too busy being shy.

We walked in to FB and TFO smoking a bowl. They were all sitting around talking about this party that was going on later that night. I was invited, but I didn't go. I said that I "had things to do around the house"...but really, I was talking to my boyfriend and avoiding the "Hookah" (they claimed it was just tobacco in there) and the ecstasy that they were all going to take. Which, though it sounds absolutely delightful to lose all your motor function and be "rollin'", just isn't for me. They're not too bright when they're sober. Why would they be when they're smoking pot and "rollin'"...and with me joining in? Not so much. So I passed that one up.

I came home after a bit and stole the desktop away before other people could use it. I got to actually hold a conversation with Popeye! Amazing, isn't it? It was fun. Though I am no conversationalist. So it was slow at first. TFO came over after a bit with Cool Bro, TQ left to take her "baby momma" to work, and they didn't want to be there when TQ's terrifying mother got home. So, they hid at my house until TFO had to go home for dinner. TFO found out about the whole online boyfriend thing...he asked a direct question, and got a direct answer. But he didn't get all freaky. There was something odd in the way he spoke to me and looked at me afterward, though. He got uncomfortable. But I didn't get a "Why?" or one of those "You're crazy!" looks. I can't really describe it, but it was different. I'm worried that he just thinks I'm too weird even for conversation now.

So yeah, I spent a very long time talking to Popeye. We sang together, after Cool Bro helped me out a bit. It was nice of him. He made the situation less...frustrating. Less nerve racking? He started belting out lyrics, and picking songs that I know. Because Popeye was bugging me to sing. Not quite sure why that was such a big deal, but meh. It happens. Then, later in the evening, I moved onto the other computer. The mic didn't work, but there was still the visual aspect, which was kinda fun. And...stuff happened. Wink wink, nudge nudge? Yeah, it was kind of surprising to me, even though I was expecting it.

But afterward, he was nervous. "I've given you everything now" he said. He got worried that I was going to dump him after that. This has been kind of a recurring theme. We both get worried and insecure; he's just more verbal about it. I've learned to "STFU" as it were. Not that I think there's anything wrong with him saying so. I would much rather he talk to me about it than not. If he didn't, he'd just dump me. This would...crush me, to say the least. I know the chances of the relationship working out are slim. He lives halfway across the world, for chrissakes. Plus, the whole "self-esteem" issue kind of gets in the way. Rarely do relationships work if the partners don't believe themselves truly worthy, or are always expecting the other to leave. But that doesn't stop me from hoping.

Last night he said so, too. But last night he said that he didn't think, if this didn't work out, we could go back to the way things were. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I agree. Even before all this webcam stuff...it just won't work to go back. Now, I'm sure it will be awkward in the beginning. But I think that would level out. However, I honestly don't think we could ever be as close as we were. It's incredibly unfortunate. So this had better work out. Because I need him.

Oh God, why does he have to live so far away?

On Such a Day as This...

Oh the snow has been piling up lately. I saw it snow the hardest I've ever seen last night. It was completely white. I could not see across the street, it was snowing so hard. A white wall, swirling in all directions. And completely silent except for the whistle of the wind as it whorled across the earth. Then today it snowed nearly all day, a cheery gentle snow of huge fluffy flakes, drifting like pieces of cloud from the atmosphere. Drifts sit everywhere, rising to my ankles. It's not packing snow, though. It's the fluffy kind that reminds me of feathers.

Tonight there was a lunar eclipse. It was breathtaking. The moon glittered around the edges, but there was a reddish orange hue over the round of it. I think that, down here being icy and colorless, it made the moon more beautiful than it would have been had the eclipse occurred in the summertime. It was breathtaking.

Popeye and I are still going strong, despite a couple scares. I love him so much! It's odd; we've never met. We've not quite been dating a month. Yet, I've never been happier. He is my other half. To steal from a movie trailer, he is the cheese to my macaroni. I'm officially obsessed. I've never felt this way about anyone before. Most kids my age will say that about every relationship they have; the phrase is so overused. But I have never felt the need to say this before. He is different, though, than anyone else. If it came down to it, I would marry him tonight, and die for him tomorrow.

I know, anyone who reads this is going to shake their head at my naiveté. You, who are world weary travelers, who have seen more and know more than I do. I've done the cynical thing. I will probably do it again, when this relationship ends in ashes and I am left alone once again. I know this. But for right now, I am happy. For right now, I entertain romantic illusions of grandeur. Life will throw me curve balls. But for now, I'm looking at the straight path, and ignoring the ambushes.

Ugh. Happy.

ZOMG, LINKIN PARK!

WEWT! Zomg, Cool Bro and I went to the LP/Coheed and Cambria/Chiodos concert tonight. It was AMAZING! Though there was a bit of drama.

We thought our seats were for the floor, but it just so happens we were wrong. We went up to the floor manager, a friend and I, because we were wondering what to do with our coats. He looked at us and told us that our seats were not floor seats after all. The girl and guy we were with were upset, to say the least. So, they both left. Fifty bucks down the drain. 'S ok, though. Fat boy's girlfriend came and sat with us. Though she was pissed at him (she is quickly realizing that he is insincere) we had fun anyway, with her and her cousin.

Chiodos came on first. This was while Fat Boy and the girl were with us. Their performance, though they were enjoying themselves, was really lackluster. Though we tried to get into it, I just couldn't at the very least. I couldn't understand the lead singer at ALL, even when I could hear him. On top of that, I wasn't familiar with the music.

Then came Coheed and Cambria who, I must say, are AWESOME. The lead singer's voice is odd, and their performance went on FOREVER. But the music was good. The lead singer's hair is EPIC! On top of that, he played with his FACE! During one of the solos, he played guitar behind his head and with his face! It was amazing! He played well, too. They all did. AH!

And then the main event. Though we felt like we were waiting forever, Linkin Park finally came out! They were AWESOME! Chester has an amazing pair of lungs; that guy can scream for days, and then move right on and sound like he just started! They all played really well, and the drummer pulled off this awesome solo that blew me away! This was when everyone got up. Although the floor was pitiful; nobody was even jumping about for most of the time...the seats were better! We had fun ^_^ There was jumping and screaming and headbanging. I've never screamed so loud and for so long in my entire life. I've lost my voice, popped something in my neck, and pulled all the muscles in my stomach. My feet and legs hurt, as does my arm. I am exhausted. But it was AMAZING. Among the most amazing astounding wonderful experiences of my life. Linkin Park is WONDERFUL live :D And they played all the best songs!

Drowning

How does one manage to go so swiftly and so completely from the high of wedding bells to the euphoric, yet crushing feeling of drowning? It's pounding around me, all this shit. I can see the surface, can see happiness, and yet I can't seem to touch it. It's just out of reach. The light washes over me in patches, but my hair is ballooning around me now, and I can hardly see anything. Something is pulling me down.

The crushing fear comes first; what if? What if it actually happens? What if I die cold, wet, and alone? Shivering, tied with metal and concrete to this murky and weightless golden green world? I can see nothing but murky water and the ghostly shapes of fish and seaweed going about their daily business. I can feel nothing but currents and chill as I fall deeper and deeper, and the surface and the light, salvation and happiness, get further and further away. My arms claw for purchase on something of their own regard, pinwheeling in an attempt to bear me upward toward the surface, toward air. My lungs cry for breath, though I pinch my lips shut. And the fear that I'll never see that brilliant sun crushes me, just as the pressure of the millions of gallons of water presses on me.

The terror that rips through me cries of the many small happinesses of lying in the grass on a summer's day, climbing a tree as the wind whips my hair into a frenzy, biting into a sweet apple and watching its golden juice bead up and leak down the side. The sight of my family's faces. Curling up with a book in a winter chill, the comforting warmth of my dog next to me. Watching a cloud. These things are lost to me now, and I know not what comes next.

That simple thought triggers something in me. A simple acceptance of my fate. I don't know what will come next, and this allows me to resign myself somehow to my fate. My arms are no longer clawing for purchase, my eyes no longer straining for the surface, and my lungs no longer crying for air as I hold my breath. I can stop and look around, and I know that this is not the worst of sights as a last sight. This is not the worst of feelings as a last feeling. My hair, my clothes, my arms are all pulled and tugged by water, my body weightless as the concrete block hits rock bottom with an ethereal echo, an eternal thud that cries through the dampened world about me, announcing my arrival to all those present. But there is simple resignation in me now.

I just wish there was the euphoria of death to meet me as the air rushes from my lungs.

Instead there is a "what if" that keeps nagging at my ear. What if this isn't rock bottom? What if, as time goes on, I will be borne deeper into the murky waters? What if...?

Yes, this sounds like a bunch of "emo" mumbo jumbo, and it makes sense to none but me. But I understand it, and this blog is about me, so you'll have to stuff it. ^_^ Now back to the happy mask.

I just wish there was the euphoria of death to meet me.

Wedding Bells

Popeye got a job recently! He is a Junior IT with some company or another, I'm not sure what the name of it is. Yesterday was his first day, and he said in his e-mail that it went well. He has to learn HTML for it, though, which will make it a bit difficult. Shit happens, though, and he'll get it ^_^ I BELIEVE in him!

It kind of stinks, though. Even though it means that he will be able to visit eventually, It takes a huge chunk out of our time together; we may not see each other at all on weekdays. Even if we do, it won't be for very much time at all. So, we will see how it goes. Weekends he is free, and I'll talk to him then. And there's always e-mail. But IM is so much more fun, and more personal. Thus, I am a bit bummed.

I got to hear his voice for the first time EVER just the other day. He's never let me hear his voice in the whole four years I've known him. Just last night, my brother talked him into it. Dangit, Scott is so much better at all this than I am. Regardless, he has a perfectly clear and wonderful voice, and an adorable accent. It's odd, though, I've never actually spoken to someone with an accent before. Well, there has been the occasional New York or Southern, but for the most part they are not thick at all. His accent is thick as peanut butter. Where that description came from, I have no idea, but I digress.

I am hearing wedding bells. I know, I know, we've not even been dating for a month yet. On top of this, I've not met him in person once. But I have known him for nearly four years, and have been best best best friends with him for six or seven months now. So in a way, I suppose it's not THAT much a leap. I've made bigger. Girliness tends to take over when it comes to relationships, though I do resist. He, on the other hand, does not resist in the slightest. He is more in touch with his feminine side than I am in a lot of ways ^_^

Otherwise, I have been reading and playing a lot of video games lately. I'm working on George Eliot's The Mill on the Floss. It is one of the Christmas books I got from my grandmother. Next on the list is either Wuthering Heights or Animal Farm by George Orwell, which I got in the mail for school, but which I've wanted to read for a while. I'm reading The Crucible for one English class right now, too, which, though I've read it, and seen the movie, is still semi-interesting. Finally, I will be starting The War of the Worlds for my other English class fairly soon, though that will take very little time; I have a week devoted to the book. Also, I played Halo 3 for the first time the other day, and I absolutely loved it ^_^ Then my brother and I went back and started it on Legendary, but we keep dying. It's hard! I've only played on Normal up until now, so that jump is gargantuan for me, though I'm not doing too badly. Cool Bro is getting his arse whooped, though, and it's frustrating him. But it makes me giggle after he died twice during the entire campaign when he played Normal with me. He's a Heroic kid, I think. ^_^ But it's fun, for sure.

Who knows, though. Maybe Popeye is "The One". And maybe, more likely, I am just being girly. But we are so alike, and we're getting along so well right now. So I am enjoying it while it lasts ^_^

Shovelling Shit

Rain and ice is tinkling quietly on my windowpane, echoing through the silent darkness. My feet are so cold they burn from standing on the tiny balls of hail, the rain falling over me, as I watched my mother drive away. Her last words "This is it. This is the last time."

Though this is not the first time this has happened, it never fails to shake me. What if she's not lying this time? What if she doesn't come back? Doubt always attacks me like Krill in the darkness. (Ya, Gears of War reference :P)

I wonder...

On Dating and Disaster

Last night, the shit hit the fan again.

I know what you're thinking. What are you talking about?

I'm going to tell you! But first there is some back story necessary!

Cool Bro has had a number of girlfriends, most of them after we moved here about a year ago. He always has girls fawning all over him. He's so cuuute, he's so sweeeet, he's so dreamy, right? What can I say, he's popular. However, most of his girlfriends have been bitchy, stuck up, and full of themselves. They use him, they control him, they lie to him, they just take and take and take and take. On top of that, they're not terribly intelligent people. Most teenaged girls aren't, or at least pretend they're not for the sake of boys. These girls have been horrendous to him.

So, a bunch of friends started hanging out around here. One in particular, a seemingly cute, fun, intelligent, sweet girl who I'll call Nurse. Cool Bro was smitten. Enter Fattie.

We have a history with Fattie. We met Fattie soon after we moved here. He lives just across the street, and seemed to be a good friend. He can be the nicest person in the world sometimes. However, he has proven over and over again that he's just out for himself and no one else. One instance, though this has happened many times, sums up the entire relationship; Fattie went skating with a friend of ours. Cool Bro and I could not join him because our mom was napping and we couldn't leave. Fattie, who was planning on hanging out with us all day, left anyway. Okay, fine. However, when he had to return because his mother did not want him at the high school? He called Cool Bro and spent the entire drive home trying to convince him not to leave with the other friend, because Cool Bro was now allowed. He lied and manipulated. When he didn't get his way, he stormed off and refused to talk to us...until he got bored and wanted something to do. Which was a couple hours. He uses us solely as a means for escape; when he's got nothing better to do, he comes over and hangs out with us. Which is still a good amount of time. But still, he is consistently trying to find something better to do in front of us at our house, making promises to stay the night, and getting mad when he can't come back drunk. Before you go all psychological on me, yes I know that he's probably running from something, and has a hard life. But that does not give him the right to treat us the way he does, to say the things he does on a regular basis, and it does not mean we have to take it. Regardless...

So, Cool Bro and Fattie had a chat at the beginning of all this. Fattie liked Nurse. Cool Bro liked Nurse. Cool Bro told Fattie during the first chat that, if Fattie liked her so much, Cool Bro would back off. A girl isn't worth a fight between bros, he said. Fattie returned with "No, no, it's okay", and things of that nature. So, Cool Bro continued to hang out with her, and to like her more and more. The next conversation rolls around. Cool Bro tells Fattie that he really likes her, and that he wants Fattie to back off, since Fattie does not like her as much as Cool Bro does. Fattie, of course, promises that he will. However, a few days later, Fattie goes back on his word, and starts calling Cool Bro selfish for even suggesting it. His MySpace status began to read things like "o yea ive found the girl that i was looking for!!! i hope it doesnt hurt anyone..." Uhm...duh! He was putting it up there to feel better about what he was doing.

So, last night, Fattie and Nurse went on a date. Fattie came over just before the date, while texting Nurse about it, and lied to us, telling us that his mom was going. We can tell when he lies, he's not very good at it. Regardless, we let it go. Cool Bro went over to Fattie's house a little later in the evening, thinking that he had to be home after all this time. Lo and behold, Fattie's mom is there. So, Cool Bro calls him. He stays casual, of course, doesn't tell Fattie that he knows he's lying. Fattie says that he's outside smoking. Scott asks where his mom is, and he says that his mom didn't come with him, but Fattie's brother and his brother's girlfriend. Both of whom are standing in the room with Cool Boy. Needless to say, he was pissed. Not that they went on a date, but that he lied...multiple times!

But wait, there's more! Later that night, Fattie invites Cool Bro over to hang out. I went with him. There was another friend there for a teensy bit of time, but then it was just Cool Bro, Nurse, Fattie, and I. It was a "rub it in your face" session. Fattie was all over Nurse. Not that it was not reciprocated. It was obvious that something was going on. How heartless can you be, regardless of everything else? I mean seriously...I can understand the not backing off, though going back on your word bothers me, he did not have to agree. But then to go on a date...lie about it...and invite the BEST FRIEND who you call your BROTHER over to rub it in his face that you're dating the girl?! What the HELL!? Then, when Cool Bro confronted him, later that night, he played dumb, like always. "Why is it such a big deal?! You said we were like brothers!"...that sort of thing. I have never been this pissed in my entire life. Not once. I want to beat the living daylights out of the kid. Over and over and over again. I'm kind of scared, in a way, because I don't think I can control myself if I see him and not attack him. If I see him, I am going to hit him. I don't understand how you could do something like that to someone you call family. It makes no sense to me.

TYOB was suicidal last night, or so he claimed. I dunno, in my experience, people who whine about it are lying about it. Of course, by the same token, he didn't whine in the same manner. It was a suggestion. I'm worried, to say the least. I feel guilty in a lot of ways, I feel like I've driven him to it. But, by the same token, he was that way before I met him. If there's nothing in his life that's worth it, he either needs to get help to see that there are things, or he needs to do it, I suppose. There is no "well maybe". Though that sounds really bad. I feel so guilty! But, again, if I do as he wants, if I date him, it's not going to fix the problem. It's only going to put a band-aid on a bigger issue; his self-esteem is wrapped up in either controlling other people, or who he's dating. Either way, it needs to change. Plus, it would only make it worse if I lied to him and told him that I wanted to date him. I do love him. But I don't want to be with him. He's not the right person for me.

Good news, though, Popeye asked me out ^_^ He hasn't dated anyone in over a year, and hasn't done the online thing for 2. I can vouch for it, too, 'cause I've known him since before that :D Though it frustrates me because I can't get a date in real life, I am happy with him. He's so wonderful ^_^ We get along so well. Though, I suppose I have only been dating him for 5 days. But still. We've gotten along for three years prior to this; I met him when we were 14. I love him ^_^ He's coming to visit later this year, hopefully, regardless of dating status. The dating is kind of a trial basis for both of us. We're not sure about the whole online dating thing. But we're good friends, and will remain so as long as things remain peaceful. I suppose there can never be 100% certainty with these things, but I can't foresee him doing anything that would make me not want to be his friend. Of course, again, there's no way to tell for sure. ^_^ I gots me an Aussie. :D Smexyful ;)

Hypothetically...

"Hypothetically, what would you say if I were to tell you I was falling for you?"

Popeye said this to me today, just about half an hour ago. I'm still reeling. Popeye...my bestbestbest friend. Oh it's wonderful :) He won't date me, but it is still kind of nice to know that I'm fall worthy.

Though, in a way, it is a bit frustrating. The only guys who like me are ten thousand miles away. That does not speak well for my character, does it? It is frustrating in a way. The only way for me to get a date, it seems, is to date people who I have never met, can never touch, or see...essentially not knowing them until my wedding day, should that ever decide to happen. *sigh*

I've been hanging out with a bunch of my brother's friends the past couple days, which is pretty cool :) They're nice people, and they're fun. We kind of have a group thing going on. My biggest issue is the whole "pot" thing...all of them smoke pot, and it bothers me. I feel very...out of the loop. I don't smoke...ever...I feel very out of place in a lot of ways. We'll just see how it goes. But for now, I'm just hanging out with them.

Okay, So I'm a Bitch...

Yeah, last night, after hours of confusion, frustration, and loneliness, hours of wondering what, if anything, to do, I did something. Rather than calling Car-Boy and screaming, I just sent him a delightful little AIM message. It read, basically, as follows:

"Hey...so...y'know...if you tell me that you're too busy and tired to hang out with me...you might not want to invite my brother out to a movie. Kinda blows your cover, no? :) How's about we try something here...ready? "I don't want to hang out with you"....there, wasn't that easy? I swear it works SO much better! :D Anywho, sleep well. :) Have a GREAT weekend, and have a GREAT week at school :) Toodles :)"

Sarcastic and bitchy enough? I thought it was. I was rather proud that I stood up and said something rather than just shutting up and letting it go. To an extent. Now that I've been pissed off, it's time to let it go :) But, I've ranted enough. It's over now.

Today is Saturday. I wonder what I'm watching Cool Bro do today.

About a Boy (Or Three)

Remember Car-Boy? Remember how he liked me, but just never seemed to have time for me? Yeah. I had stopped going out of my way to contact him. So, the other day he texted me out of nowhere. Good sign, no? We didn't have a very long conversation, but it was better than nothing, right? There were niceties exchanged, "How have you been, how were exams, etc." and then I said "We need to hang out soon! :)" There is silence for several minutes, during which my stomach is flipping and flopping all over the place. Finally, I hear the tell-tale Mario theme song, and flip my phone open. He tells me that he's busy Friday (today), he's working, and he'll be too tired to come over after work. I respond with an "it's okay" and "I think I'm busy tomorrow, anyway. Maybe later in the weekend? hehe" So...after work, he's exhausted, right? And he calls my brother and invites him and his friend, while they are sitting at my house, right next to me, to the movies. How dumb does he think I am? "I like you, I want to hang out with you"...but I'm too busy, I'm always working. Until I want to go see a movie with your brother. That's fine. Seriously. Duh, lol.

Mr. Scientist, my friend from a while ago. Remember me talking about him? Yeah, so I went over to his house, despite my fear about it, and hung out with him for a while. Deceptively great, right? He's nice, I suppose. The problem would be that he seems to treat me more as a pet project than a friend. I am the poor little girl that he hangs out with to help. He is always smarter than I am, always knows more (though I am well aware of nearly every point he brings up), and always has the right answers. I am just poor stupid girl who he is benevolent enough to grace with his presence; I am simply his charity work for the day. Or so it seems. And I remember why I stopped talking to him.

Le (ex) Boyfriend's baby was born on the sixth. Adorable, right? Not too long ago he sent me a one paragraph letter that read as follows:

(Me),
I'm sorry things ended up the way they did. But I want you to know, I still truly love you. I wish I could see you and hug you once more, even for a split second. I hope and pray that maybe someday....in the future, we get a chance to start over. I still cry over you. I just want you to know, I care for you deeply.
I will love you
always and forever,
Mr. (Le Boyfriend)

This came to me through one of the middle school girls this father of 21 hangs out with, with hearts over the i's in my name on the front of the envelope, and doused in cologne so strong that it scented my room. Even better, this is nearly word for word what he was saying to his pregnant ex-girlfriend before we broke up, and just afterward. Before she rejected him, it seems. Wonderful. Then, the mutual middle school friend runs off and tells him my reaction (rolled eyes and groans, I suppose was what she said). His response to this is to write two emo poems about how alone he is and how fake I am (horrid poems, by the way), and a long post about how much a bitch I am...on the middle schooler's MySpace! Really mature, right? Now, he has a blog post about how much he truly loves his ex again, and how sometimes it seems that she still loves him, too, and how he has never been happy without her. He has to force himself to eat, and his only smiles are fake ones so that people don't worry. Bullshit he spouted to me before and during our dating process. He certainly has his story down, huh? Awesome, right?

I am so very frustrated with my entire social situation. I am so lonely, and I am so sick of people only hanging out with me because they are friends with my much cooler brother and I just happen to be there, or because I will do their homework for them, or because I will listen to them talk about their crushes for hours on end and say nothing about anything else. I just wish, for once, someone would like me for me, would want to hang out with me because I'm a cool person. I wish that someone would want to kiss and hold me because they think I'm pretty, and because they like who I am. Not because I'll submit to whatever they say, and keep the bruises a secret because they were given out of love, right? Not because I'm the only one that will. Because they love me, and don't want me to change. Because they like who I am.

But, who am I kidding? Guys don't want to date other guys, and I certainly am no girl. I whine on here more than I do in real life. I like watching football and baseball. I love video games. I'm a nerd, I speak more properly than most people I know. I love to read. I love Dungeons and Dragons. Yet, I am such a dumb blonde (I was born blonde, though my hair has darkened with age). I fall down the stairs regularly out of klutziness, and ask the most retarded questions you have ever heard off of the short bus on a fairly regular basis. I laugh at lewd jokes, and *gasps* I fart! I poop and pee, too...and I am well aware that most organisms on this planet do. I don't know how to put on makeup properly, nor do I care all that much. For the most part, I brush my hair and walk away. If I'm feeling extra fancy, I'll put it up in a ponytail. That's about all I know how to do. I harbor no illusions that I'll ever be anywhere fancy enough to need anything better. I own three pairs of shoes; a pair of sandals, a pair of (worn) tennis shoes, and a pair of boots. The newest of these is the pair of tennis shoes with holes in the soles. I wear t-shirts and jeans all the time, and I am frugal about my clothing. I don't care about fashion. I want to go to the movies and see I Am Legend, Hitman, and The Omen. I neither have seen, nor have the urge to see "The Notebook" or any of it's ilk. Why would someone want to even hang out with me, let alone date me, hug me, kiss me, marry me? Honestly? *sigh* Wewt for a lifetime of loneliness. I'll just go over here and snuggle with my puppy dog :) Cat lady, anyone?

Yeesh...

Ruh roh, panic, in the head lights. What am I going to do? We're coming upon a similar issue we had before, that kind of started the whole "life upheaval" thing. And...we're barreling in there. *sigh* Terror has gripped my heart, despite my best efforts.

10 Days Down, 355 To Go!

So. Yeah. It's the new year! And I feel like a new person. That probably sounds cliche. But it's true. So, I can't change it. A lot has happened over the past couple years, and I after it all...I finally feel content with who I am. Now, teenage hormones might sweep in at any moment and change it. However, right this moment, I think that I'm okay. I'm worth something.

Don't mistunderstand me; there are things I want to change. There are ways I can get better. But, I think I'm okay, anyway.

So, what's changed since I typed at you last?

I dumped Le Boyfriend. I felt he was coming over solely to run from his responsibilities; namely getting a job to support his son. Who, by the way, was born January 6th :-p But, anywho, so he still doesn't have a job, it appears. He's just claiming he is going to get into the police academy. Which probably won't happen, with his driving record (his license was revoked because he didn't pay the tickets) and his mental imbalance. He freaks out about little things with his physical issues, claiming that they're awful all of a sudden when he wants attention. He wants to be taken care of *all the time*! The worst part of it was, after I broke up with him, he was yelling at me (as usual) about being rude when he showed up to get his stuff. So, my mom basically said "don't talk to her anymore" and, not only did he refuse, but he started calling her names. He then called me to yell at me some more, but my mom picked up the phone, so he screamed at her. Just screamed. It was awful. I can deal with you being mean, leaving bruises, and screaming at me. But you stay away from my family with all of that. Gah!

TYOB got a girlfriend for Christmas. A girl asked him out Christmas Eve. I'm glad for him :-) But, I must admit, I do wonder what would have happened had I been just a little bit quicker. I was going to ask him out that evening; I had been mulling it over for a while, and just didn't know how to ask. But, I was too slow. So lately I have been wondering. But, I'm still happy for him; hopefully she makes him happy. I have a feeling he moved in with her; he left NC just recently and wouldn't tell me where he was going. So hopefully she's doing well by him. I want him to be happy.

There's a new guy down the street, Car-boy, who I was hanging out with a bit, and really liked. I call him Car-Boy because I went and helped him clean his car the first time we really hung out. But he stood me up Sunday, and then refused to talk to me. When he finally did, he said that he hadn't had internet for a few days, and didn't think to text me, and that he was so sorry. Except, on Facebook you can see what someone's done (when they leave comments to things, add applications to their page, change things, etc...) and he has been very active over the past few days. So, he's lying, basically, unless someone else is on there. So I am very confused; I thought he liked me, and now he's lying to me and stood me up. Maybe he had a very good reason for it, and just can't talk about it. Who knows. So, back to riding it out and seeing what happens.

An old friend of mine is talking to be again. I have to think of a name for him...he's a paradox in a lot of ways. We were flirting over the summer, and then I got scared of him and ignored him. So, recently contacted me again for no apparent reason. And we've been talking, but it is agreed that we are just friends, at least for now. He's been really nice, and he's quite funny. It's nice to have him back.

Another old friend from my RS days, (ex) friend of TYOB, has popped up recently. Popeye :-) He lives in Australia; I may have mentioned him before, I can't remember. Le Boyfriend called him "(my) Kangaroo" and got mad that I picked that up because it sounded like a pet name. He was VERY suspicious. But anywho, Popeye is lots of fun; he's such a dork, like me! We can sit around and gab about anime and webcomics and video games for HOURS. It's loads of fun. I still need to play Guitar Hero with him online; we haven't gotten around to it yet. But he's a lot of fun. I LERVE him :-p

My mom has been obsessed with this machinima thing on Second Life; she makes music videos by filming (using Fraps) in Second Life. It's fun; I've been in many of them. She's pretty good at it, ESPECIALLY when one considers that she's only been doing it a very short period of time; two weeks or so, I think. Check her out on YouTube; Melodia McD. She just recently lost a very close friend, Kyla Namanari, and did a memorial video for her. Well, part one. There's a party on Friday she's going to to film Part Two, which will be everyone dancing about and laughing, what Kyla asked her partner she tell them to do just before she died. I never even spoke to her, unfortunately. She was an amazing person. But just seeing these people breaking down, and seeing their love for her, makes me mourn her death. I've nearly cried several times about it. Me, lol. My mom has cried a lot about it. The song she used for the memorial also reminds me of TYOB's relationship, before she even used it for this, so it was already a sad song. But, it's beautiful, I think, despite some minor timing issues because of glitches.

Anywho, so I should probably shaddup so that you don't DIE before the end of this, lol.